X,

Thank-you this has been super therapeutic on a number of different levels.

In one way I am able to  focus on defining the challenges that pop up in my psyche, and at the same time sort of emotionally detach from them. It is a weird feeling to try to describe those emotions that carry so much angst, but when typing them out it feels like I step outside of the emotions and get a third person view of them. I see the entire situation very differently when I discuss them here, and kinda scary that it has forced me to question certain beliefs.

The other is that it is comforting to read about the lessons learned from other people. Hearing about the struggles that you had, the not so perfect relationships, the inner dialogues. Everyone has their struggles.

that one can’t really, in all honesty, swear to LOVE somebody. Feelings come and go

So I think this sums up how I will be trying to move forward in life. And I think it can also be bigger than Feelings come and go. You can’t swear to LOVE somebody because no one is guaranteed anything. For so long I have lived my life in the past and the future. If I learn to love myself, my wife, and my family with everything I have, RIGHT NOW. Than that is all I can ask of myself. I need to learn to let go of the fear/insecurities of what may happen tomorrow, and forget about what I have done or should have done in the past. That is the path that should free me from the angst. I fully understand that path is going to be difficult and that I have to allow myself to fall down every now and then.

if you don’t feel comfortable about talking about this to your partner, it is cheating (even if no physical act took place), if not – then it is not.

I totally agree with this statement, and will say that my wife and I have had some of the most amazing conversations about our relationship in the last three weeks, that we would have never had in the past. Open, honest conversations about some really tough situations.

I read that women shouldn’t be afraid of their men watching porn (unless it becomes highly addictive, they say it is an epidemics of sorts now around the world). Maybe the reason for that is the one that you are describing – that for you it passes quickly and you are back to loving your wife the same way.

Is there a double standard lurking there, I mean should I be afraid if my wife watches porn? Does it pass quickly for women that they can be back to loving their spouse the same way. I only ask these questions, not to justify behavior, but to try to get to the bottom of why I think certain ways. Through all of this, one thing is for sure, my ideas of sex/love/pleasure/safety/marriage/trust/communications have been turned upside down. Maybe not turned upside down so much as I am actually taking the time to truly define my thoughts on these subjects

I am not sure I understand what kind of “closeness” you mean? Especially, “while being in an intimate relationship”? And “without it being physical, ie. sex”? Are you asking about platonic love?

There are some to whom I am completely neutral. Those would be (or are) good male friends. No sexual feelings added, none whatsoever. Proof (at least in my eyes) that friendship between men and women, no matter what they say, is possible.

I think my question boiled down to….Could you be in an intimate relationship with a man, and also have a best friend who is a different man. Yeah maybe platonic love. On the surface of my thoughts, I would think there would be a conflict of interests with this. But who am I to tell another person, whether it be my wife/daughter/son, who they can and cant be friends with. If my best friend was female I would throw a fit if my wife ask me to stop talking to her. I know you should be best friends with your spouse, but does that mean that you can’t have more than one best friend. I have about 6 college buddies who I would call my best friends, they all provide me with something different, but I know how each one of them would act.

But again, it passed in a couple of hours, a couple of days at most. And my daydreaming hardly ever has sex in it, it is more about the physical touch, like hugging or cuddling or talking about something holding hands

That’s funny because my wife said something similar to  this one day when we were talking about Jay. She said all she really wanted to do was make-out like she was 15 again. Whereas my male mind equates that to leading to other things, she was quite positive that it would end there, maybe a walk on the beach or just sitting in the car.

lso, I might have that thoughts, be a bit gloomy about it, but when I saw him, when I saw how he eagerly he was looking for my every gesture, how he was watching my every glance and every step, my mind simply refused to believe that a man behaving like this around me could be intimate with another woman. Have you ever seen a video of how in courtship the male bowerbird will dance to the female in an attempt to attract her? If you haven’t, do, because that was the exact impression I had when my ex was around me.

I just watched the video and I can say that I remember doing that for my wife, that is actually how we met. I was head over heels for her the minute I saw her when we were 18. I danced to some 90’s booty hip hop in front of her and her friends in our dorm parking lot. She says she remembers it so vividly. I was definitely a dork and probably made a fool of myself. You know I lost that feeling for a long time in our marriage. It is odd, and goes back to the feelings come and go statement, but I totally feel engaged in our relationship again.

Slowly I discovered that I didn’t need a man to be there to catch me if I fall

I think I need to write a whole post on this one and explore more of my feelings about needing someone there (my wife) to catch me if I fall. It will probably serve me best if I could get to a point where I don’t need her to catch me. The biggest thing for me would be to understand that I will be all right if no one catches me, but trust her when she tells me that she wants to be there to catch me. This is the first time dwelling on this, but I can feel like this is where a lot of my insecurities come from. My mom passed away when I was 26, she was 50, I wasn’t really that young, but I was on the cusp of my adult life starting and it hurt that she wasnt going to be there to provide me with the advice and tips that a mother gives you. I will try to explore this more in depth in a different response, could get way too long

Maybe, one of the astounding discoveries was that it is never about us, it is always about them. Love IS in the eye of the beholder. We get attracted to this person and not to that person, not because of what this or that person is, but because of what response, what reaction that person triggers in us. And that reaction is triggered (or not triggered) because of our problems, complexes, insecurities, etc. Of course, chemistry plays a part, too.

what I am reading is that Love expands and wanes as an individual changes. I think that Chemistry plays a huge role. Did you know that when a woman is on birth control, her pheromones change. Someone did a study on women who got involved with a man while they were taking birth control and what happened to there relationship once the woman stopped taking the birth control, there preference in men change.

http://www.medicaldaily.com/birth-control-may-alter-physical-attraction-single-women-pill-more-likely-date-311164

My wife and I share a strong chemical attraction. Her smell, her presence, her look drives me crazy. I have a unique view of this because my wife and I took a very long break between when we first met and when we got married. We had absolutely no contact during that break but both of us say that none of the relationships we had during that time had anywhere close to the same physical/chemical attraction as we have together.

Back to your question, my soul-searching and reading for the past two years brought me to believing that there absolutely must be certain boundaries. And it is best to set them, to know what they are and to stick to them. But I am not sure I am a good counsellor on this one…

I hopefully can disagree with this point in one way, I agree that boundaries need to be set so that expectations can be made, but I also think there is room in any relationship where those boundaries can be re-evaluated. I feel like I am at that point right now in my life as well ass in my relationship. Those boundaries and expectation are evolving and I need to find what my new boundaries will be. And I thank you for helping me see both sides of these arguments and having these great discussions.

Wow that was a lot, haaaha…..My brain is tumbling and I probably wrote a lot of nonsense, but I will have to comeback and reread my response to see where I may have erred.

Until next time enjoy your day.
Matt