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I will start first with the idea of exploring these emotions. This process is surely new to me, I have lived my life burying my emotions and feelings. Most of my life has gone by with an emotional flat line. There were up and down spikes here and there but looking inside and expressing those feelings/emotions was not something that I did. So why now, I don’t know exactly other than it feels like the thing I need to do. It is extremely uncomfortable, but quite freeing. Kinda like that flashlight idea, the more I shine that light around these areas that I have been hiding, the more I realize that I have been lying to myself, hiding things from myself, or not really living life to the fullest. And I like that notion of living life outside your comfort zone. I have felt more alive over the last couple of months than I have in awhile. Even though it has caused some hurt and misery. I like the idea of spending more time exploring who I really am. (As a side note, I am also in the midst of trying to figure out my next career move, it is definitely another topic, but also worth noting.)

That’s my take on it now. In other words, we indeed can have many soulmates, depending on what stage in life (and in our personal development) we are at.

Okay, I can accept that, I can see how people can come and go into your life and affect you in tremendous ways. But doesn’t that thought just point to the fact that maybe the ideal of marriage actually hampers our growths as individuals.

people say things that they don’t believe, people say things that they believe in while they are saying them, people’s stances and opinions change, etc.

This thought has crossed my mind many times, It is the one that haunts me the most because how can you ever know what motivates people to say things. I have to accept the fact that my wife may just be telling me things so as not to hurt my feelings. Or that if she did act on her feelings with Jay that it would end up changing her view on our marriage. I think that is a valid point, and a risk. My wife and I have discussed this risk and it is one that there really isn’t anyway to protect from.

In fact, I am surprised that you are so open to the idea of an open marriage. I was under the impression that men are far more possessive than women.

The more you write about men, the more I think I may not be a man after all..HAHA One of the most attractive qualities I find in women is an Independent streak. Someone that isn’t afraid to go get something she wants. Now I am still a gentleman, open doors, yes maam, gush over my wife, but I don’t feel the need to be a controller. I think this is why when I started this post it was all about trying to get to the bottom of the jealousy that I was feeling. Maybe I always just suppressed the jealousy, but I don’t think that is the case. This is new, it has never been  around in previous relationships.

Turned out my gut was right. Actually, my most recent guy told me as well that he believed one should go with the intuition.

The funny thing is that I am not sure that my gut is telling me that the idea of an open marriage/relationship is wrong. You know that is probably why I am willing to explore all of this. I know that initially the jealousy was sickening., but I don’t necessarily think that the jealousy is tied to the act of her being intimate with someone else. It feels like a knotted up ball of yarn. The more I pull the string the tighter the knot gets, but if I take my time and slowly follow the string and see that I am able to make more sense of things.

The spinach example makes a lot of sense, but to counter that over the course of time you can change your pallete. I hated mushrooms growing up, just the thought of biting into one made me gag. But I was out to dinner one night on a date at an Italian restaurant and my date ordered some type of veal with a mushroom sauce. She offered me a taste of her dinner, and for some reason I didnt say “no, I hate mushrooms”, I took the bite, and it was AMAZING, and now I absolutely love mushrooms. I guess my point to all of this is that in for us order to find out what (or who)you truly love we have to push ourselves, take ourselves out of our comfort zone.

With your wife, it is different. You are not trying to convince yourself to love your wife, you are trying to convince yourself to love what your wife loves (let’s put it this way).

Not sure about this one because she loves a lot of things that I never want to love, like purses, shoes, Stephen Colbert and Jon Oliver. I appreciate that there are things she does that I have no interest in, and that there are things that I love that she has no interest in. I think it is one of the ways that people stay together longer, because you have interests outside of your partner. Not always the case but I think there is truth in it

Another prospective. She (or another woman in her place) may think that you are a door mat if you agreed to share her with somebody.

What if this was a test?

I have thought about this one as well, and have talked to her about it, she is not trying to test me, she is curious about exploring more of her own sexuality, and of our sexuality together. But it is important to note that I have been told in the past by friends that I sometimes come across as being a pushover, giving in too easily. I stand up for the most important things in my life, but why waste energy on small things.

I will have to continue later, need to get some things done.

Have a great weekend,

Matt