Matt,

Thanks a lot for sharing your story with me! The more I “talk” to you, the more I become convinced that I am normal and that two different guys from work with whom I discussed my relationship problems (mostly about the fact that there are not so many guys with whom I feel connection and that those with whom I feel something are taken) were right. One of them said, “You just haven’t found him yet.” And the other one said, “Are you telling me you want to feel that special connection to every other guy, to fall in love with every other guy? Patience!”

I wouldn’t stay that I put myself under a lot of stress these days, now that I a) had that experience of looking for love, thus being needy and vulnerable and falling for guys that were absolutely bad for me and probably just as needy, looking for somebody to fill their holes as I was; b) actually had the experience of being in love, being loved (by whatever love my exes were capable of), being in a couple (of whatever dubious quality), and c) went through all that reading and came back to enjoying life as it is and taking it day by day as if I were again on vacations in that small cottage in the countryside of mine. I mean it. I am really enjoying and living in the “now.” Finally. After having looked forward to vacations, graduations, acceptance at work, arrivals of my lover, etc. for so long.

But I can’t help wondering what is going on because it feels as if no matter whether I think about it or not, I am still alone, travelling alone (not that I don’t enjoy it, but now I have reached the point of being willing to share my experiences with somebody special not to mention that it would be nice to have somebody drive, haul luggage and be able to go to the restroom with no stuff leaving it in my partner’s care), going alone about my everyday business, doing what I love in my spare time, but also alone.

At the same time, when I start enumerating, I find that there were numerous encounters that could have led to something, but didn’t. But it doesn’t mean that similar encounters won’t in the future.

At the same time, just like you are saying, if I compare my life to that of my girlfriends, I wouldn’t want to trade places. Maybe the biggest reason for it is that I wouldn’t want any husband of theirs for mine, so I am even more appreciative of the fact that I can do what I want, have no small children to take care of, that I can travel and practise my hobbies.

But your challenge to go on dates is really a problem.

I am an introvert. I do love to spend time alone. Even when my ex and I lived together, even though I was so much in love with him that I was almost enjoying life “through” him (like in “I should be feeling guilty being here and enjoying it because he is not here and is not enjoying it with me” and even worse “I should be feeling guilty being here and enjoying it because, even though he said he didn’t like it, he doesn’t know what he is missing” – what a distorted way of thinking!!!), I still felt the need to take my time and be at home alone.

I tend to think that I know almost immediately if the man and I are going to “click.” That is, I know immediately if I can imagine myself having sex with him, being in his arms, even him touching my hand. If I can’t see me there, I consider any further interaction (if it is not work-related) useless. My mother said that I should be giving myself more time. Well, I tried with this guy whom I met at the shooting range. I was right, not my mother. You see, when ten minutes into the conversation I start wishing I was at home making myself a cup of tea and opening a book, it is no good.

It all also boils down to the desire to control. If only I could know that at Date 10 I will fall in love with him, I could stand dates 1-9. But this is not going to happen. So I quit or don’t even start.

I guess I just don’t like being around people that much.

I also have to interact with a lot of people at work, so after work, I crave alone time (and silence) even more.

One more thought. After my breakup with my ex (aka as #3) two years ago, I panicked, nearly had a rebound that I mentioned briefly (checked myself the same day) and did a lot of research. Well, it turns out that most people meet through school, work or hobbies. At work, I meet a lot of men. As for the hobbies, I go swimming, to a shooting range, used to do martial arts, now do fencing, took up those seamanship classes and am thinking about resuming horseback riding when we have a break from the ship. I am not shy about travelling solo, and they say that men are more likely to approach a single lady rather than somebody who is there with a friend.

So I guess I am doing all I could.

As for online dating, I am afraid this is something I would consider a major waste of time. Well, after I am done with my bucket list (could see how that could happen ten years from now or so, though I am sure I would find something else to do (I never experience boredom)), I could very well take up online dating like one takes up a job, but right now I don’t think I am ready for it. I don’t even have a smartphone – there is a computer at home, a computer at work, and a smartphone in-between is such a distraction!

I am afraid I am too thorough a person to be ready to make an effort and remember something about somebody whom I don’t like at first sight (and there are few men whom I do like at first sight). Hey, I don’t even bother to remember people’s names at parties ‘cause I know we will most likely never see each other again. Not being good with faces doesn’t help either.

Does that sound like a long excuse and a proof of that I don’t really want to be in a relationship deep down?

Oh, one more thing. I am used to men making the first step. I made the first step myself with #1, didn’t end well. The farthest I can go is ask a question.

My mother says that I need to be more feminine, like start painting nails (believe it or not, never painted mine – don’t like the look of it!) and learn to cook. A female colleague of mine, who had trouble finding a partner but is finally getting married this December, says that cooking is not something that anybody thinks about these days. The “most recent” guy said that men do notice me. And I do get approached, but the vast majority of those men are not somebody I could see myself with. My ex was an exception, so was the “most recent” guy and one more guy from my trip in 2015, but no happy ending in any of those cases. And the ones I could see myself with are few and far between and are all taken. But then that guy said “Patience!”

So I guess that I am now getting tired of all those games with my life – think about a relationship, don’t think about a relationship, try to be whole and complete, become aware of whom and what you need, etc. Thankfully, I am able to live my life now day in and day out without worrying too much about the future, so I am doing just that (I’d like to think): live life and allow it to happen while trying to be the best you.

What would you say to all of the above?

Have a fantastic evening!

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