Dear Monica:

It means that you would feel okay most of the time and when distressed, not for long and not as intensely as you have felt before. It means you will be calm, okay with being you. It means there will be no voices in you criticizing you, telling you that you are a bad person for feeling this way or that way. Those voices of the past will weaken over time and be gone, until it is only you, in your own brain, approving yourself.

It doesn’t mean that you approve everything that you do, but you approve of the one doing what you do. You approve of your deepest motivation, being a good motivation, that is, to love and be loved in return. So when you performed a behavior you disapprove of (your own authentic voice disapproving), you evaluate the behavior and determine to perform another behavior in the future. You evaluate your behavior with a gentle attitude toward yourself, not beating yourself up.

It means that when you feel angry, you don’t feel that you are a bad person for feeling angry. At anyone!

It means that you no longer feel shame.

It means that you no longer compare your status to others, feeling superior or inferior to this person or that person, to this group of people or to that group of people.

It means that in your interactions with another you think: how will this benefit me and is it going to benefit the other as well? And you communicate with other with the stated intent of a win-win interaction and overall, a win-win relationship.

It means you stay away from abusive people, volunteering to take no abuse from no one.

It means that you are not loyal to anyone at all at the expense of your own well-being (except for extreme, momentary circumstances and some instances in parenthood, with your minor children)

It means that you are not fake nice with people although social lubrication, in great moderation, is necessary so to move easily in a group of people.

It means you don’t have hidden agendas, that you state your motives honestly, clearly.

It means you are assertive, not passive and not aggressive.

It means you no longer wish to die, as you have wished many times. It will happen naturally, you accept it but you don’t rush it in any way. You take good physical care of yourself, pay attention to your actions so that they promote your physical (and emotional) well-being.

It means you are willing to take an honest look at anyone, including your parents, and determine at any time, if it is a relationship that is working for you or against you and decide accordingly. Again, loyalty to no one at the expense of your well-being.

How is my explanation so far?

anita