You are setting the bar way too high for someone that outwardly says they want to find the love of your life, but inwardly all the signs point to not wanting to give up those alone times.

You mean “I want to find the love of my life, but…”?

I agree that it may feel like that.

But don’t they say (Steve Harvey, for instance, in his Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man: What Men Really Think About Love, Relationships, Intimacy, and Commitment) that women of today have lowered the bar impossibly low for men? That men need a challenge? I read about it in another book, too.

And when I look back at all of my romances, and especially #3, I can see that all of a sudden I become so enthusiastic about my relationship that I have the man CONSTANTLY on my mind when doing anything, even those activities that normally would captivate me so much that I would forget anything. And I would always find time for them. Maybe even to the detriment of other relationships and activities. Again, I don’t know. It kind of feels like that, but maybe it feels like that because I haven’t yet (after #3) met a man for whom I would fall hard? (“The most recent guy” doesn’t count here – there was no need to make room for him because he never asked for it.)

What type of signal do you think you are giving the men that you run into?

I am trying to be totally neutral and business-like (I meet a lot of men at work). Partially because there a few men to whom I feel an immediate connection and partially because that was the advice given by a guy, and I find that advice very helpful – treat all men as you would treat friends until they explicitly say that they want to be something more than a friend. Turns out that advice saves a lot of heartbreak to somebody who likes to see signs of affection that is often very temporary.

If I do like a man, I wait for him to do something – ask for my number, email, whatever. If he calls, I answer; if he texts, I always reply. If I don’t quite like him, I won’t be replying immediately and will do my best to show how unenthusiastic I am.

But Matt, love (or initial likeness) is indeed in the eye of the beholder. I can name at least four men who were totally unable to see how reluctant I was (or am) to communicate with them! And I wonder if they ever tried to imagine both of us together side by side…

I am not looking for a model, far from it. I felt connection and chemistry for all sorts of men (again, am I a narcissist, like my ex – sure one more feature in common?) But if I don’t feel chemistry, the law of attraction comes into play. And that law says that like attracts like, on the physical level, too.

AS far as cooking, nah no big deal.

SO GLAD to hear, cooking is a big challenge for me. I moved out of my parents’ place in 2006, but still don’t cook.

See yourself doing what with? It all goes back to enjoying life, you might find someone at the shooting range who gives you tips on shooting, absolutely no physical attraction, but you respect their opinion. It would be worth hanging around them at the range interacting. Those are the guys who have friends, and most guys hang out with guys who are similar to themselves. You find the type of guy who has the values/interests that you share and one day Bob from the shooting range brings his friend Mark to the range, and your heart goes all aflutter. That’s how it happens, out of the blue. Does that make sense about why I say that you should still find people to interact and have fun with even though there is nothing physical.

Now I look at relationships totally different, I feel like everyone I meet has something to offer me, something that I can learn. I no longer measure people, they just are, and I have made some amazing acquaintances.  I took a job working with Habitat for Humanity helping volunteers learn how to use the tools, and the various tasks that we had them doing. Through that I met amazing people and had some very engaging conversations about lots of different topics. I think that is what is most important in life, filling your life with people that you find stimulating both physically, mentally, and emotionally. You know my wife stimulates all three of those, but there are other people who may be great conversationalists, or who may be one of those people that needs an ear for all of their problems.

Yes, I see what you mean. Thank you for recollecting and putting down your process of arriving to that place where you are now (and I don’t mean family issues!)

I also see that I forgot to add family’s friends and friends’ friends to that most common meeting place of one’s partner.

I like a few things that guys like (like shooting, fencing, martial arts, etc., have a penchant for the military) and I know that I have trouble finding men that I like in general, so it is one more, additional incentive for me to do all that in my spare time. A similar idea – that I should be exposed to a greater number of men possible in my everyday life – was also taken into account when I applied for my current job.

It was when I was looking for “the one,” I came across #1. #2 happened because I needed someone after #1 (but it was not a rebound since I hardly knew #1 at all and it was mostly in my head). My ex came up totally unexpectedly just as a minor crush after our breakup during my solo trip. The “most recent guy” also started writing to me two times totally unexpectedly. I have had a few unexpected propositions from a few other guys, but since I didn’t feel good in their present (that sickening feeling, “unlove” at first sight), I was unable to continue after one or two get-togethers.

I can’t say that I desperately WANT to be in a relationship right now. It would be nice if… But if I am frank, I’d say that it would be even nicer if “the most recent guy” and I could try it out. But I am still okay. Besides, there are two more guys with whom I could see myself if they did anything (but, of course, they are married and they are happy and I know their wives and I never do anything myself ever). And here is the crucial difference – with most guys, as I wrote before, I feel neutral, pure friendship or sister love, if you want. That is I can hardly imagine being intimate with them, but I know that they would make great partners AND I also know that if any other guy like “most recent guy” or either one of those two came along, I would be smitten and it would be unfair to these “great partners.” That is why most “good guys” (and yes, I know – there are plenty of “good guys” out there) are not an option for me. At the same time, if I imagine myself with one of that top tier (with whom I could fall in love NO MATTER their appearance (one is only 11 years older than me and tall, the other one is bald and short, but both have charisma just like the “most recent guy”)) and then think of another one from the same tier, I know that I would have no problem resisting the temptation even though now those three make up kind of the same group with the “most recent guy” being on the top. Interesting, huh?

I think most of them (the ones whom I interact with at work, the “neutral” ones) feel the same towards me, that is why we sometimes discuss topics of love and relationship, and I have reasons to believe that what they say about me is an honest, undisguised opinion.

However, they hardly ever invite me somewhere to hang out – maybe because most of these guys (but not all) are from my home country and on a business trip here, however long (can be up to half a year) or short, or because they have a girlfriend.

That is why I am mostly on my own as to where to look for a man and be noticed by a man. So I continue to do what I love in my spare time and, of course, there are seemingly nearly endless possibilities at work. Lots of my coworkers married others from my work.

If I try to detach and look at it, I would say I am close to where you seem to have been. That is a) I am not desperate for a relationship, I quite enjoy being by myself, in fact, I think I am closer to nor really care at all; b) I do my best to have as much exposure to men as I possibly can; c) I have finally reached a point where I can live in the present moment and look forward to how any given day is going to unfold.

I am not sure if there is anything else I can do. Or am I missing something?

I am closer to philosophically wonder “What is wrong with me?“ The worst thing is that I try to get an objective look and to find some patterns and common things, but I can’t with the exception of what you pointed out – security that might be there even when I don’t know the marital status and unattainability of ALL of my love interests. On the other hand, I personally know a few couples who started off as affairs, but are still together. I know other couples. I know all sorts of men and women, happy and unhappy, in good relationships and in bad. All that in addition makes the case for my just throwing my arms up and living in the present. The classic “I like those who don’t like me (or can’t like me), and I don’t like those who like me.” Besides, I have NO idea how to approach the unattainability problem.

Finally, I would like to give you some more food for thought about love.

I like the following oriental saying about love very much. It basically says that the attraction of the mind gives birth to respect. A similar attraction of heart gives birth to friendship. The pull on the lower level (the lowest chakra) gives birth to the sexual desire. All the three mean love.

It is fun to play with it. Like, say, I respect one lady, but I am far from being friends with her and there is no sexual desire for sure. I am not sure true friendship can exist without respect, etc.

Matt, I wrote a lot on your original thread, but it didn’t get posted two times. I’ll try again now. Maybe you’ll get three identical posts. If nothing shows up tomorrow, I’ll post again tomorrow.

Really glad that you and your wife are having those conversations. I remember reading a book written by a couple therapist about a couple attending his therapy. They were clear about the problem, still loved each other, but nevertheless decided to part ways. I couldn’t understand it and still can’t, the romantic in me screaming, “But you love each other!!!”

Please keep on going exploring your selves!

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