Thank you for the reply Eliana.  I definitely have a lot of support and normally don’t have a problem talking.  I’m actually just very tired of talking.  I go to a therapist bi weekly and a spiritual counselor monthly.  I have several single mom friends and even lead a group.  Heck, I even have my own divorce blog! lol  I’ve loaded myself up with distractions that are now becoming habits, can’t manage them because my depression is kicking in and now I’m exhausted.  I almost feel like they took away from my healing because I wasn’t addressing them.

I stopped the anti depressents because they were making me sick to my stomach.  I wasn’t eating as a result, I had to force myself to eat and lost 10 pounds in 1 month.  And now that I’m off them I feel like they did worse for me than any good because my roller coaster is on a major low.  I know I can get through this without medication especially since I’m not suicidal or dangerous.

As for the neighbor, it’s fine but very painful because he lives next door.  I thought I did everything I could in terms of communication.  I would tell him that I’m going through tough times and that I’m probably not in the best shape for a relationship but I like him and if anything changes between us to let me know.  I got hurt and angry that he couldn’t honor that as honest as I was with him.  I’m also tired of being the strong, the one who communicates.  It’s so frustrating.  I gave up on communicating with him because it was almost like communicating with my ex – I was as honest as I could be but my ex would just get to a boiling point, hold it all in and yell at me in front of my kids; this guy just didn’t talk and did a disappearing act and now my 6 year old asks about him all of the time.  Then again, he may have done me a favor, I suppose I don’t want a man like that in my life.

Sorry I’m throwing a major pity party lol.  I’m soooo tired.  Tired of being strong, being unique, being myself.  I want to be positive, to have an endless resource of energy for people that I love, I’m just having such a hard time lifting myself to that point.