Anita,

Today was not a great day for me.
I heard news about Gyunnie. He is coming to Seoul to watch a concert of his favorite rapper – I know that he is a big fan of the rapper and been wanting to watch his concert, but it kills me … so much.
I fall apart, seeing his post about how excited he is that he even posted his concert ticket.
He is willing to take a 3 hour train ride from his hometown to Seoul to watch that concert.
He is … happy.
He is …. doing well. He’s alive.
He’s probably the happiest in his life right now, without me or KU bothering him.
He got accepted in his long time dream university, he got his parents support and he is just living his life to the fullest.
While I am here. I am stuck.
I lied to you, to him, even to myself. I don’t want him to be happy or ok.
I want him to suffer, even as little as 1/10 of what I am feeling.
I wish him to feel THIS pain that I am feeling.
I am begging, pleading, wishing that he is not okay but he is more than okay, he is HAPPY with his life.
I’ve been denying this for a very long time.
Why is it like this?
Why am I the only one suffering?
Feeling an unberable amount of pain, alone?
Fighting a lonely battle with myself, fighting everyone else that has something else to say about Gyunnie.
Why can’t I live like Gyunnie, why can’t I take care and be nice to myself?
Why can’t I do what he wanted me to do, to move on and be well?
I am NOT well. Very far from it.
I feel pathetic, I feel sad for myself.
I cannot even be “well” to honour his last words to me, If I really did loved Gyunnie, I should have been able to do that.
Why did I stayed as a dissapointment to him and to myself until the very end?
Why?
I genuinely thought what I feel for Gyunnie is a part of the delusions that I was feeling during those 4 months… and that it’d would dissapear once I lost the delusions.
I realise that what I feel is reality.
It’s real.
It’s not a delusion that I created, and probably the only thing that’s real is my love for him.
Sometimes, a lot of times, I wished that my love was also a delusion.
So I won’t be in so much pain.
I am not sure if you remember or not, but everyday – I wished that I can turned back time.
I’d stopped him from going out drinking (the event that made him lost his watch, and him taking it as a sign that he should move to Y Uni) – I wish that I had cried and pleaded him not to go that day.
Maybe things would be different.
I wish that I wasn’t so clingy and needy to him, maybe he wouldn’t have left me.
Anita….
There are so many “maybes” and “I wish” in my life.
So many things I could have done better during our relationship.
That maybe can save our relationship.
I am desperate, to let him go but I cannot.
Please. Give me advices.

P.s : another bad news… lately I’ve been wanting to go back to “Mina” – Kim Mina. I want to feel close to him. Taking his last name. I know that what I feel right now is not right. I know.

-Monica