X,

I really got caught up in my head, trying to take a look at what I actually needed from my relationship with my wife, and what I am currently getting. I would probably say that I am going through a mid-life crisis of sorts.

I felt in the correspondences that you and I were having, I was identifying the tips of icebergs on a lot of very big topics and I ran out of emotional fuel. I think it also points out a big flaw in me and something that mirrors real life. The right thing for me to have done was to write a quick note about taking a break to deal with work and such. Instead I just poof, disappeared. I can fully admit that is something my wife has complained to me about in the past. It is hard to see/admit, but at the same time very freeing being able to recognize/accept a fault and address it. I have found that I am a person who is able to get things started, but have a hard time closing the loop. I think this impacts all aspects of my life and is something that I really need to work on.  As hard as these past few months have been on my wife and me, I think a larger problem exists.

but I personally do remember how happy I was when my ex and I reached that stage when we lived just like any couple who are committed to each other would live in a long-distance relationship (I mean that stage when even the suspicious me stopped doubting him and his relationship with his wife, etc.) only to realise later that that just-one-step-away-from-divorce stage had been lasting for a couple of years with no further changes.

I read this and got worried, but not because I think my marriage is a step away from divorce (maybe/who knows), but that all of the things I have convinced myself make me happy over the past few years may all be an illusion. As I sit here typing, I can’t help but look at all of the areas in my life and realize that there is not much there anymore, and that unease or unhappiness may in fact be the root cause of these issues with my wife. I have fallen into working at a job that isn’t fulfilling, I don’t play volleyball anymore, and being able to go out and spend an afternoon taking pictures feels like a pipe dream. I have also noticed that my veiws on life/politics/news has been really fluctuating recently. I am starting to see the world different, and my goals of what I want/need out of life are changing.  I don’t feel like it is a depression thing, I am fairly in tune with my emotions when I get down and sad. I don’t feel sad, I feel uninspired.

breathing with the abdomen, for instance

Exactly, lucky you for holding onto this naturally, it is something you should be proud of. I was listening to a podcast about breathing and it was all about how most adults breathe all wrong. I have definitely been a vertical breather for as long as I can remember. Shoulders up, no wonder I was so stressed out all the time, this podcast really opened my eyes and since I have started focusing on my breathe it has made a huge difference.

 I am really surprised at how my “most recent guy” changed physically (for the worse – and I can swear that there is no improvement in his relationship with his wife and he is not in love with anybody else (yet?))

I will tell you it is pretty amazing how fast things can go down hill, I noticed that during this time with my wife, I went through a week or so period where I let the wheels fall off of the food wagon. I normally eat fairly clean and I really don’t struggle with weight. I can eat pretty much whatever I want and stay right around 165lbs. but during this time I was eating like garbage, potato chips and soda, and greasy crap, you know easy feel good food. I woke up one day and felt like I had been hit by a freight train. My body hurt, I actually felt old, sleeping patterns changed, the way I ate changed. It was not a good look for me. And it was hard to get it back on track, still trying to reign it in and the soda. Anyway, if I were to throw in a few drinks a night, the stress with the wife and kids, work sucking, no physical activity, at 42 I think two months of all that would be enough to age me 5 years and 30+lbs.

 I think the realisation that we can only help those who are willing to accept our help (and who are doing something themselves for that help to work!) has finally been fully processed by my psyche and “sunk in.”

This is so on point, something that I have been coming to grips with myself, I struggle with this with my wife and wonder all the time if it a lost cause trying to help her with her yoyo addictions.

On the other point I will be going through those posts again and will respond shortly.

Matt