Anita,

Thank you for your response. I agree with everything you said… As of now though, I still live with my parents. I am getting to the point with a job I have had for 7 months now makes me financially able to move out. However, I will go from living really well off to just scraping by as my current job doesn’t pay to well and it’s more for what will look good on my resume. I graduated last December but have never lived on my own.

I hate the fact that I see myself “turning into my mom.” I have had had anxiety from a young child and I would say that’s just by nature but the rest is learned, as my mom learned it from her verbally and physically abusive dad. But to be honest, I don’t even know what’s by nature. I remember having anxiety and 3-4 years old since my dad was an serious alcoholic who nearly killed himself several times before I was 5 and so I was very “aware,” afraid of abandonment and took on the mother role for my brother before he went away and got clean. He came home clean and he has been the best dad ever since. He is very successful and so kind. He goes to AA weekly and I really admire my dad. He doesn’t like the way my mom treats me but there’s no reasoning with her and he is committed to her (I feel as though he thinks he owes his life to her since she stood by him and made his life living hell to get clean)… when she gets real bad she screams until she turns purple and just looks crazy in her eyes. 100 people could be telling her she’s wrong and she wont see it. She has to be restrained from attacking me physically a few times a year when she’s like this. She whipped us a few times as a kid but I was honestly well behaved so this was never an issue for me.

I have been insecure for as long as I remember because my mom’s attacks go towards things such as my weight, starting in 3rd grade. Before I met my boyfriend I was starting to get a lot more confident and my depression and anxiety got loads better. I traveled on a month long trip with my friend where we hiked a lot and felt good about myself physically. I felt good about finally starting to “act” instead of “dream” and I was marking a few things off my bucket list. I never had many friends but I was social my last year of college after this and was surrounded by a lot of fun people (although, I wouldn’t call them true friends). I feel as though I wasn’t looking for a boyfriend, it’d happen when it’d happen type thing, however, now I find me wanted to feel “protected” by him and for him to make everything better which he just can’t. He has a very stable family and mental state so he can try to help all he wants but he can’t fix what I don’t even understand.

I am not worse off than I was before I met him, in many ways. However, I always direct my anger towards him about how I am in others. I am frustrated because I used to always keep my cool, and now I’m emotional mess. I used to not cry (basically not much at all… I could probably say 3 times a year) and now I do it right in front of him constantly. It’s been a roller coaster of emotions every day that I’m with him in past months… I wan’t to run away “for a fresh start” which I always want to do. Because I am so embarrassed about what I’ve become… an emotional monster.

Anita, I still have to believe he’s mentally very healthy and strong. I think he’s still holding on the person I was for the first 6-10 months of meeting me and has faith that he can help me through this and we’ll be super happy again. He says we’ll make it through it and we’ll be better and stronger for it. A lot of the time I am sweet as pie and no matter how much of an up and down there is I believe he focuses on my caring, giving, adventurous and fun loving person he fell in love with because even though I switch and am triggered by anything I still do have just as much those moments… I express my regret to him and he understands a lot of it is my mom and that I am too much of a perfectionist. I apologize and apologize but the next time it happens I haven’t been able to control it. I sometimes wonder if he’s still with me because “I’m a good catch.” People always comment how lucky he is to be dating someone so “physically attractive” (out of his league according to my mom).

Of course my mother and her father do not express their wrong-doing and they’ll continue being that way until the day they die.

I want to know how to control myself for him. And because it’s a vicious cycle making me go further and further down a black hole because how bad I’m getting is all I think about. I dwell on it… and get further away from the person I want to be. I have been hard on myself from a very young age. That I wasn’t perfect. I’ve always tried to work on myself but I dwell on my imperfections instead and it makes it worse.

With my boyfriend when I was lashing out – At first I didn’t realize I was even doing it (and it wasn’t as bad), then I’d become aware I was wrong immediately after the fact and I’d tell him, now I realize I’m doing it during but haven’t been able to control myself…

In general I think my anxiety on life is worse. I am doing very well in my work that’s the only place where I feel in control but it’s a very high stress business.

I have gotten very aware when I’m doing it now, which at first I didn’t. The next step is controlling it…

He  wants to know what he can do. But I have came to the realization and told him, nothing he can do will work. It’s not his fault. My grandpa was like this towards my dad and he loves him now that he’s such a good father, husband. It wasn’t until they were married and my grandpa’s complaints were all proven wrong.

I tried my best and I did a bit better. We went on a weekend getaway that went well, but ultimately I decided it was best to split and work on myself. Yesterday. I was itching in anxiety about whether or not we should be together recently…  it has been all that I’ve been thinking about. I was making myself physically sick and constantly had headaches and fatigue… I’m in a very rough patch right now. I don’t know if what I did was right nor do I know what to do next. I can’t bring myself to do much at all these days except worry. Nothing that I want to do is getting done…  I haven’t been able to better myself with him or (so far) without him. I’ve had a lot of these same problems when I was alone too just in different forms and couldn’t get better even constantly trying so I don’t know that being alone will help but I couldn’t make him endure this journey anymore… I’m just stressed and sad. Trying not to contact him. I didn’t want to hurt him and I didn’t want to be alone. It’s hard to loose that unconditional love and be all alone.