Thanks Peter, anita, Mark, L, and Grant for everything. It helps and I thought that it was beautiful and at the same time I struggled a bit to accept reality. There’s no point to fight it I can’t control anything so I will let it do his job and do the best I can to be in peace. At the moment I have a bit of nausea and cramps in my stomach due to anxiety and other symptoms like cold hands, head tension, body all tensed, heart rate higher, chills and a couple more. I really hate it and tired to suffer, my biggest fear for now is the emetophobia I created because of an unexpected experience three years ago.

Skip this part if not interested to know.

I was trying to sleep but couldn’t I kept burping and feeling hot, bit dizzy and all off, not sure if it was food poisoning or a flu but I was in my bed staring the ceiling with the light on and the fan spinning and suddenly my body gave like an alarm telling me to stand up and run for a bucket and I succeed but barely, it happened so fast and my mother heard it and I felt ashamed and helpless and scared because I kinda forgot how to do it, it has been years and I rarely get sick, but it was automatic but not sure if it was simply luck. I fear that it will happen again and I will choke or my throat will burn the taste will be horrible and I will lose my mind etc. I wish that I had someone I could hug and let all the negativity out honestly 🙁

Anyways I know it is my choice and I can do something about it. I just wanted to say that it makes me feel less alone and I’m glad you’ve all took the time to respond to me and helping me, love you all. I will get some sleep I’m exhausted.