You are correct. I have to remember that. He is the most important person in my life and I choose him everyday but I have not COMMITTED my entire life to him yet and I shouldn’t feel bad for acknowledging that fact. That these are still try outs. He kind of makes me feel bad about that sometimes.

When we have conversations in the field of his expectations. I have to explain their are levels to this from meeting, to dating, to being in a committed relationship, to engaged, to living together, to marriage, to kids, to someone getting sick. All those possible different levels have a different set of commitments and expectations. You don’t treat your wife and mother of your children like the girl you are just dating and talking to and your don’t have the same expectations of the women who you are in relationship with like she is your wife when she is not. Why would there be levels if they all were the same…

The meetings are a good idea. Its just so hard to stay consistent with him.

But I also agree, that even though I do feel I disapprove of introvert Jenny Lynn its because I am her more than I’d like to be as of late. But I enjoy both just not feeling like to him I just need to stay what I was when I met him. Which was largely introverted BECAUSE  I was depressed.

So this depression. 🙁

I have probably been depressed for over 10 years. I didn’t even know what it was as a kid because my home life was so muted that I couldn’t even see it till I came to college. I would have these bouts of cyclic depression. about every 9-10 months usually around the end of the year I would just make poor choices I would just retreat or the opposite and do whatever. I would make rash decisions and just do literally whatever I wanted.

I feel like I may have been a little happy back then; so it didn’t last long the feelings and overwhelming thoughts after 2 ish months would let up I would come back to, look at what I was doing and get my life back together.

Back in 2015/16 it just took over me and It never let up; its been 2 years basically now. That’s what I was going thru when he met me. I went from being in the best shape of my LIFE to now I have gained almost 100lbs from me LOSING 80. (Which towers over me!! My feelings of disappointment in myself aren’t even explainable).

My energy levels plummeted, I won’t leave the house for days at a time if I don’t have to. From the time I get up every morning all I am thinking about is getting home and getting back in the bed…every..day.

It’s miserable really and I feel out of control of it at this point.

Best way I can describe it is: in real life, I have Arachnophobia (extreme fear of spiders). As logical of a person as I am, I know that crying when I see a tiny spider on my desk at work is irrational…but its what my brain knows. Its knows we don’t like spiders.

I almost feel like that.  I have done this for so long I don’t know where to being to condition my brain out of it…

Sometimes I feel like I dragged him down with me, because overall his life was pretty together when I met him.

I almost feel responsible for most of his problems.

Im getting a little emotional typing this because I do know I am responsible for my choices but I just idk, I have just lost touch.