I am going to try to respond without feeling like I am sticking up or making excuses for anything. Just providing more clarity.

I know I distributed quite a lot of information to you all at once. It is what has stretched over the past 10 or so months of our relationship.

With that being said I find the things to be more sporadic than persistent. Like of those 7-8 things the vast majority occurred before my breakthroughs with you and probably only 1-2 are things that still catch my attention now. But mostly I ignore him…

He doesn’t check my phone everyday. Its been probably 3 times, he doesn’t hide it from me or anything. I actually look at his phone more than vice-versa.

He doesn’t make me feel like I should be alarmed. This triggered my anxiety a little because I had to question my sanity momentarily. I am never afraid of what he will do, or anything like that.

Even with the Hunt situation, I never felt afraid. Worst case scenario with him I have always felt was he would just leave and I would never see him again. Truthfully. That’s the thing that lingers in the background with him. Not “oh he might do something to me”..more like “he may leave and I never see or talk to him again”

The least thing I ever feel from his is threat…never

Also my “guilt” in his eyes. Sometimes I think he is more afraid to be wrong about who he thinks I am than anything.

btw: definitely talk me out of this crap. I’m just talking about alternate perceptions now.

Sometimes I think he is scared…scared that he loves me and is wasting his time. I understand it slightly cuz we both know I am a little fickle but like 1-10, 10 being the highest I would say he is at 5/6 of not trusting me. I can tolerate the actions of about a 3/4.

That’s only because of what I went through with John. So I understand what goes on in his head sometimes I relate and I empathize. He doesn’t directly accuse me of things though. But I almost can wrap my messed up head around the idea of kind of checking for yourself to see if the person you care about is really for you. I did it. I didn’t tell John but I did it. But it was after he gave me small reasons to start to question his trust.

I am not perfect nor have I been perfect whilst being in this relationship. There were times I was deceptive about where I was and what I was doing…before we were officially together yes. But I did. I think he felt that coupled with how we originally started dating and the  Hunt thing. Sometimes I just feel like he is “checking his investment.” for lack of a better phrase. But its my exact reasoning I have when I scan thru his phone every once in a while. I KNOW he isn’t doing anything but let me just see. Just to make sure. That’s what I say to him.

But he has never given me a reason to not trust what he does…

I think he’s just a hypocrite really and a brat. Used to getting what he wants. He was a only child at the beginning of his life till almost 10 I think. Me and his mom talked about him once, kind of like he is just really hard to please sometimes and once his mind is set…THEY are really alike. I have noticed from getting to know her and hearing her talk about other things and people in the same way he does.

Like I said I am not trying to say anything that’s has been done is ok. But since I gave that side I almost feel the need to give the side he would if he was talking too. and the part of me that loves him and sees the best in him….

But what you said really has my mind consumed.