Dear Coco:

I read your new thread and re-read the previous one (where you didn’t mention your son). A couple of suggestions:

1. Attend to the past with your son. You wrote: “I didn’t pay much attention to my son.. I didn’t help him when he needed”

When he was growing up, you didn’t notice that your ex husband, his step father, was mean to him for years. You didn’t notice that your son was miserable during those years. This is a significant neglect-to-notice on your part. And so, you failed your son.

If you understand how much your son needed your attention and help for years of his childhood, then let him know in a very serious manner (no excuses, no minimizing, no explaining you were too young, etc.) that you are indeed so very sorry, so very regretful for not paying attention to him, for not helping him all those long years of his childhood.

Encourage him to talk about how he felt as a child, being mistreated by his step father and neglected/ ignored by his mother. Let him talk, express his feelings without defending yourself.  Show him that you are taking full responsibility for failing him in his childhood.  Doing so may help him heal some, have his feelings and experience of childhood validated. Have a lot of  patience for him, let him express himself, express his anger at your ex husband and at you.

2. Stop giving him advice because that never worked, never helped him. He told you so. (“My advice is not good enough. not working for him and/or my advice is so cheesy”)

If you do #1 and #2, please let me know and we can communicate further.

anita