You might want to look into Enneagrams, which is a theory on personality types.  I’m not condoning it as science or anything like that, but I remember reading about them and how I fit one of the types so closely.  It was like an awakening for me, and the way I viewed myself and how I wanted to change in the future was totally different.  A weight came off my shoulders, and realized there’s nothing wrong with me, and in fact 1/9 of people in the world have similar traits as me.

You seem to have elements of Type 4 and Type 1, which go hand in hand.

Enneagram Type 4: The Individualist

Enneagram Type 1: The Reformer

At the minimum, it’s a fun read.