Dear Michelle:

In early March of last year, you shared  that this man has  “anger issues”.

You wrote: “He has been extremely stressed at work… He continuously called me  an asshole… He  didn’t stop, I have  turned off  my phone because  I can’t listen to him anymore. He  brought  up the same  points  he  made Saturday  about me not caring  about the  relationship because I haven’t  applied in North Carolina…he has again thrown the same comments in my face about not  doing anything for the relationship… He has accused  me  of being  unfaithful when I  haven’t. All I so is study and work… I am hurt that he  gave into his anger already. This makes  me scared… I am tired  of being  yelled at and crying because the person I love treats me like this.”

What you shared then and  yesterday leads  me  to this understanding: what troubles  your boyfriend are things  from way before you came into his life.

It was not the job he had  before that was responsible for his  anger issues then. It is  not his current  job that  is responsible for his anger  issues now. It is not the distance from his family, friends and you that was responsible a year ago for his anger issues then. It is not you who is responsible for  his anger  now.

It is in his early relationships in his young  life where his anger originated. His anger originated in his parents/ care takers not loving him enough, not doing enough for him, not attending  to him when he  was  distressed, being alone with his distress.

In his adult life he inaccurately projects his anger  into you, blaming you for not loving him enough, for not doing enough for him  (for the relationship), etc.

And  as a result you  feel guilty.

Your thoughts…?

anita