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  • April 12, 2018 at 9:46 am #202031
    Parshal
    Participant

    My life has become a series of train wrecks coming to a head with my Aunt who raised me being diagnosed with bone cancer after beating both uterine and breast cancer. This heartbreaking news has caused me to look at my life and I have come to realize that I do not like the person I have become, I do not know who this person is. This person with the need to please everyone, help everyone and pick up everyone’s broken pieces (especially in romantic relationship). To the point of lending someone in the area of $3000 dollars because he said he loves me and placing myself in the biggest financial hole I have ever been in and for the first time in my life I feel I may not make it. This being said I still cant quit this man who has broken my heart and my trust countless times. I see him every day at work and he says everything I want to hear one minute and is cruel and cold the next. The emotional roller coaster is making me loose my sanity. I have developed severe anxiety and panic attacks and my emotions are so out of control at any moment I could breakdown in tears or even worse anger and aggression.

    I contribute some of this dysfunction to my feelings of abandonment by everyone in my life right down to the two people you are supposed to trust fully and receive unconditional love from, my parents. Everyone I have loved or trusted in my life has abandoned me and now my Aunt is leaving me as well. I know that sounds incredibly selfish she is not doing this on purpose yet has a terminal disease. But the abandoned child within me is throwing a tantrum. Just as she does with the man who drags my heart around. The more he treats me badly the more I try to text to call to hold on so he doesn’t leave me even know somewhere inside me I know this is not a healthy relationship and leaving is for the best.

    I need to find myself again, I need to find that inside me I have lost, the awareness the spirit, the sanity without the dysfunctional madness of the ego. I am lost and I do not know where to start and how to overcome this overwhelming sense of isolation, abandonment, self doubt, and self hate. Or am I just destined to slowly drive myself mad?

    April 12, 2018 at 10:07 am #202037
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Parshal:

    You wrote that you  don’t like “the person (you) have become”. I hope you discover the person you were from the very beginning and all along, underneath the person you have become. I am sure that person is loving and lovable and very sane.

    You wrote: “I contribute some of this dysfunction to my feelings of abandonment by everyone in my life right down to the two people you are supposed to trust fully.. my parents”-

    As young children we automatically trust our parents, naturally. We are not capable of evaluating their trustworthiness, not are we capable of enduring the knowing that we are in the hands of untrustworthy people. We trust them because we have to.

    It comes like such a big surprise, to be betrayed by one’s parents. Completely unexpected, isn’t it?

    How did they betray your trust in them?

    anita

    April 12, 2018 at 10:31 am #202051
    Parshal
    Participant

    Unfortunately I don’t really know if I have ever known who I truly am. I have always seen myself as the outcast and unworthy person others have seen me as.

    My parents that is hard to explain. My father left when I was a baby my mother says he was abussive and what little attention he did show me growing up was not attention a father should be showing his daughter ever. My mother ignored it and ignored my repeated cries for help. She got remarried when I was 8 and again my stepfather showed me attention no man should show a daughter or a child for that matter and again my mother turned a blind eye to it all. Even when I tried to end my life and was institutionalized in therapy I was forced to talk about it all and her response was blaming me.

    I truely believe my parents shaped my warped perception of who I am and my worth which directly affects my relationships and trust. But then on the other side of that I should be able to overcome people have so much more devastating things happening in Their lives and they overcome. They are at peace with themselves their situation and life.

    April 12, 2018 at 11:01 am #202063
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Parshal:

    What is more devastating than one’s mother turning a blind eye to her daughter being mistreated and then, blaming her for suffering the results of that abuse, the abused she allowed?

    What can be more devastating?

    There is a lot that children can endure, including hunger, poverty, losses of all kinds, if there is someone there to comfort them, someone on there for them.

    What appears to be more devastating circumstances are less devastating if one is not alone.

    You wrote that you don’t know if you have ever known who you truly are. Unfortunately we think who we are is what is reflected by others: if we are mistreated, we think we deserve that, that we are unlovable.

    But notice this: in the beginning, before you were able to entertain the thoughts of who you were, you still were. And what you were was a lovable, loving little girl.

    You didn’t know it, but you were just that.

    anita

     

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