Dear blkhwkdwn1:

September 18, 2016, on this thread, you wrote: “I really don’t want help, I somewhat like feeling this bad and sad because i’m used to it and I believe i’m supposed to suffer.. i’m so toxic inside I really can’t get help… I feel I deserve the pain I am getting. ..Every day I live I feel like poison”.

More than a year and a half later, yesterday, you wrote: “I hate myself and I don’t want people seeing my dark side, I can’t even stand my dark side and it makes me feel cringey and gross… I don’t think I could stand myself in a relationship having to feel exposed to my feelings, so I prefer to stay single…”

Clearly, you believe that you are a bad person, as so many of us believe or have believed (I did). And consequently, you believe you don’t deserve to feel good, that you deserve to suffer for your alleged badness.

You  do your best to keep the pain of living with this alleged bad person away from your awareness by sitting “on (your) PC all day playing games, listening to music, watching hockey, going to work, exercising”. And you keep this pain away from your awareness by avoiding close relationships.

You remember this girl from so long ago because you felt a longing for a relationship with her at that time. I think that it is that longing, that desire for more that makes the memory of her so vivid in your mind.

You have a desire, a hidden, almost secret desire for a close relationship, but this desire is hidden, blocked by fear.

Like any human, like any living thing capable of experiencing pain (made possible by a nerve cells), you too move away from pain, keeping it away from you, and from your awareness best you can. There is nothing mysterious about it, really. It is natural and instinctive. We all do it.

Some people get into relationships but throughout the relationship they move away from pain repeatedly in so many ways. What it comes down to, for all of us, is the longing for a personal, loving relationship vs. fear of pain. What feeds the fear of pain is the pain we already experienced in a close relationship, usually, one with a parent.

* When one hates oneself, it doesn’t matter how much money you give away, how much you do for others, how much money you make, nothing matters, nothing changes self hate except for the healing process which takes a whole lot of time and work and help from at least one other capable person.

Post anytime, good to read from you.

anita