Hi Cheska,

I experience a lot of relationship anxiety too, so you’re not alone <3. First off, you’re on the right track looking to understand the root of your anxiety so it doesn’t spill over into meaningful relationships in the future. Anita is absolutely right, you have to look closely at your childhood experiences because they effectively have determined your attachment style as an adult.

A few steps to take that I think would be helpful for you in your journey to understanding:

1. Google Attachment Theory and Codependency to help understand the underlying causes of your anxiety

2.Don’t run from your anxiety, instead turn towards it. Anxiety, while upsetting, is really your inner self asking fervently to be heard and indicates that you have a basic need (love, acceptance, reassurance, certainty) that isn’t being met. Check out Don Miguel Ruiz’s allegory of the Magical Kitchen to understand how to fulfill your own needs. Also check out the Mastery of Love by the same author. It’s really powerful stuff.

3.Use “I” statements when you’re upset/anxious. I also have had tantrums in the past because I had a hard time expressing that a need was going unmet in a relationship. The best way around a tantrum is to diffuse it by stating out loud how you feel at the moment. Sounds weird but it really does the trick, especially when you’re trying to tell your S/O what’s going on in your head.

4. On that same ticket-be vulnerable. Find someone you feel safe with like a therapist and practice being vulnerable and asking for what you need. This is key to having good relationships.

5. Be compassionate with yourself. It’s going to take years to get where you want to go and you are going to feel like you’re failing every step of the way. So be nice to yourself and don’t label yourself needy or clingy. Those words just keep you from seeing how wonderful and valuable you really are. You deserve love no matter what.

Best of luck

M