Thank you Anita, that means a lot. Thank you for reading this, that’s really a lot for me if someone reads it, especially you. Yes, writing helps me.

I often write on my laptop when I’m overwhelmed and then when I finish I read it again, it loses its power then, if it makes sense. So yes, writing as releasing emotions is good when there’s no one to talk to.

I feel more free since I don’t suppress, hide or deny what happened to me. I feel like all my childhood I was living in hell and then during the day no one ever talked about this within family. I am not sorry for blaming my mother that she started arguments. I know my father was drinking but a child knows only what she or he feels, which is fear, and she caused it and he watched me there and let this happen. He let this happen and she let this happen. Doesn’t matter who was right or wrong in a fight, what matters is you are hurting someone. They both failed me in their own way. I am not sorry I made our relation worst than it has even been because I said openly that her boyfriend  bullied me for years and he owes me money for renovations in his house 10 years ago, and now I want them back, because I will need them for my own place. I realize I started a “war” and it will never be the same again but it’s them who did this to me, it’s not me who did this to them (as she claims). The only reason for this situation is that no one is standing on my side, and she says she has to be “in between” which is not true, she’s not in between, she’s just forced to behave like she’s in between. But she’s against me. When I told her I want my money back she told me”why are doing this to me, you want me to jump off the bridge why are you so mean why are you so stubborn just let it go” and that she’s not going to “survive” it, whatever that means. I told her I’m not doing doing this to her, or to him, I’m doing this for me. Then she started drinking after a fight with him. It showed me how much I am important in all this, and how much she “cares” about me. It gave me an important lesson, one of the most important lessons in my life. I can’t specifically say what it was but it changed a lot, like it has ended something forever.  I feel it’s overwhelming and it’s too much, but it also feels like releasing from chains a little bit. They say to lose everything means to gain everything, and that gives hope. I think I’m handing it quite well given what I’ve been through last months. I know there’s a hope in the end.