its been a bitter pill to swallow in the knowing of my parents including my sisters that they dont genuinely want me to have a good life. i really feel like they dont like me, i know it doesnt help to see it objectively when its your own family but all i can focus on is how im missed all the time. what i mean by that is not accepted and not understood. my mum has recently just came out of hospital. i have spoken to her on the phone and saw her in person since she has been home. i got through it by remembering what you said and it helped so thankyou. i appreciate you telling me it straight to prevent me from further hurt but i like you have said before its automatic with family as the bond is too strong. although im pleased with myself for not divulging information when she asks questions about my daughter as i know she talks about me behind my back and will be thinking that i am not handling the situation in the way that she would. my mum thinks she is so moral and wise (alot of it she likes to beleive is because of he catholic upbringing) all my family do it. talk about each other and not completely honest with each other with the exception of brutal harsh honesty at times where it feeds the cycle of how things play out in my family. i could see the game playing that my mum was doing again such as putting others on pedestals about how kind and lovely they are with a big smile on her face whilst i feel like i am not significant in the slightest and my actions of visiting her and asking how she is, offering to help with shopping gets overlooked or an insincere thankyou.  she makes subtle hints because she cant be direct with me or uses other people to prove a point about me, to put me down under the guise of ‘concern’

i know my mum is ill and hopefully will get better but i dont want to see her if i can help it but guilt motivates me at the moment although i did delay seeing her over the weekend and i even think she wanted to see me because my other sister was out the country who is the only one remaining (apart from myself ) that is in contact with her. however i can see that changing as my eldest sister who has recently been mourning the fourth anniversary of my nieces death is reaching out to my mum through me, asking me how she is. she said that she wanted to go with me to visit her. this is the same sister i have let back into my life since she attacked me quite bad, had her hands round my throat twice, slapping me in the face and calling me names as she was grieving and wanted somebody to blame. that was the night i stupidly thought apologising on behalf of all the family for not being being for her when my neice was dying (she pushed people away and is an angry person although my family were still judgmental and cold) this triggered alot of anger in her obviously. recently i asked for her help as we were gradually spending time together and it has been going ok (the attack is what led me to give up drinking and i havent drank since christmas and i will not touch a drop again) i asked her to look after my cat for three months but she said ‘dont put this on me’ and i replied ‘only asking. do you think i was wrong for asking especially as the timing wasnt great with it being the fourth anniversary. i also asked my mum in a very indirect way like i know she was going to say no anyway and guess what she said no ha but then she has a perfect excuse being the vulnerable victim who is poorly out of hospital.

my dad is not happy with me because i asked for my wages as i hardly had any money left (both customers have not paid) and i havent heard from him so im feeling a bit guilty about that and angry at the same time.

i guess i just have to start getting used to how it really is, that my family dont like me and see me as a failure.