Thank you so much, Anita. I started crying when I read this comment from you. My emotions are getting the best of me. I can’t sleep and lost weight and didn’t go to work yesterday and am work now but just close the door and cry. I feel sooo sad. And angry. I feel like the man who I had the affair with, “S,” targeted me and I let him. I told him all of my most intimate secrets and fears, and I felt like he was the first man who ever SAW me and that we had a spiritual connection. And now I realize it was a fake manipulation in order to conquer me. He groomed me. And I am a trusting and loving and generous and soulful person and I opened up so much to him. I was separated from my husband and the relationship was abusive so I was extra raw and vulnerable. I told him about abuse I suffered in the past, and how I felt like a bunny and the men were predators like wolves and I didn’t feel safe. I opened up to him because I need my heart to stay open and pure and trusting and I can’t let it shut down from being hurt. He reassured me and comforted me but really he was preying on me the whole time. It makes me feel so scared and unsafe and like people are going to prey on me and I can’t keep myself safe. I think I’m reverting to a child right now. I am sobbing at the keyboard at work hoping no one hears me.

I want to make this painful experience into a learning experience, especially because I am about to move back in w/ my  husband. I don’t want to make the same mistakes that led to our unhealthy dynamic. I have been reading a lot about narcissism and co-dependents and find it very very familiar to my experiences. I know deep within there is a wound that is so deep it is probably in my DNA. I don’t know what to do with this knowledge. My parents never honored me as an individual when I was a kid and are both narcissistic and codependent.

“Perceptive children will also pick up on the emotional vulnerability of their parents. They will compliment their parent or try to be a perfect reflection of them. They hope that taking care of mom or dad will shore the parent up enough so he or she can eventually get back to taking care of them. With all of that care directed at parents, these children will likely lose touch with their own emotions and needs.”

I read this today and it explained what things were like with me, but my parents were often angry and disappointed and I think us kids were trying to assuage them at our expense. I don’t know how to explore the dynamics with my parents. I just remember the painful times in my childhood when I felt unloved? So what will that do besides make me feel anger at them? Are my memories even accurate? I understand on an intellectual level that relationships w/ my parents made me have some codependent and probably narcissistic behaviors, but how do I turn the intellectual knowledge into a felt experience of awareness, compassion, change and healing inside me?