Dear ME:

I have more thoughts regarding what you wrote in your recent post: “‘moving on’ in this situation feels like moving from A to B, where B is still unknown.. but A is also not clear (that’s frustrating). Perhaps I am too hung up on ‘what could have been’ instead of ‘what actually was’ in this relationship”-

If we were to be confused about other people unless they communicated with us honestly, clearly and in a straight forward manner, we would be confused most of the time about a whole lot of people in our lives. She didn’t communicate to you honestly, but she did communicate to you:

1. You apologized to her profusely, expressed to her your “determination to work on being a better partner to her…took responsibility… offered for us to go to counseling…taking responsibility again for my share of the issues”, But you didn’t mention that she apologized to you, that she expressed to you that she has any responsibility for the troubles in the relationship, that she is trying to be a better partner to you. The communication on her part is that you are the Guilty One and she is the Innocent One, that you own the problems, she doesn’t.

2. The mixed messages, “I don’t see this as the end”,  and pulling back, not answering your messages, ignoring you- that communicates that she is angry at you. Women, more often than men, express their anger passive-aggressively, silently (the silent treatment), withdrawing, not responding. They do so because they don’t feel comfortable to express their anger otherwise.

These two things preceded you being in her life (and you having planned to see an ex girlfriend). Without a motivation on her part to go to individual counseling, she is very unlikely to change these two things.

* It is possible that if you stop reaching out to her with your I-am-guilty-forgive-me messages, that she will contact you, maybe be tender and affectionate with you and so forth. Problem is, conflict will happen again (your visa situation, work situation, her work situation, and so forth), and the passive aggressive behavior on her part will resume.

You are a good, decent, honest, responsible, thoughtful man. I understand that your last two girlfriends were not these things, but there is a woman out there who is. Better invest in meeting other women, learning who they are over time and honest conversations, and then choose one who is a good match.

anita