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Wedding family tensions

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Viewing 6 posts - 1 through 6 (of 6 total)
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  • September 1, 2018 at 7:15 am #223951
    Annie12
    Participant

    My brother is about to get married for the second time following a five year divorce which my elderly parents mostly paid for. He hasn’t yet paid them back (I’m not sure if he’s planning to), it’s depleted their retirement savings and meant they had to downsize to a tiny apartment. Less then two years after the divorce he’s getting married again – exactly the same type of woman, controlling and prone to tantrums if things don’t go just right. I have to take my kids out of school and fly my whole family in for an expensive three-day event that has completely torpedoed my own plans for my big birthday milestone the same week. We did at one point discuss having a family dinner for me on one of the three nights but my mother told me it’s better we don’t so we can focus on his wedding. She says she’ll sing me happy birthday though.

    I feel so petty but there are so many levels of anger I need to resolve – I’m annoyed he’s getting married again after all the drama and tension and support we provided, I’m annoyed it’s this person, I’m annoyed it’s impacting me and my family and I’m annoyed it’s obliterated an event I was really looking forward to. How do I get past  all that and feel happy for them?

    September 1, 2018 at 8:11 am #223983
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Annie12:

    I would say you don’t have to “feel happy for them”, not a good idea to try and feel what we don’t feel. You don’t even have to attend the wedding.

    The dynamic between your brother and his/ your parents has a long history and was established long ago, it is a two way street dynamic, the two parties participating in it.

    You don’t have to participate in their dynamic. You can choose your behavior, do what you believe is right.

    Would you like to talk about the dynamic between your parents and brother? Or something else?

    anita

    September 3, 2018 at 10:21 pm #224237
    Annie12
    Participant

    Thanks Anita – that’s a good perspective. Actually I don’t really mind their dynamic and normally it doesn’t matter to me very much as long as I’m not pulled into it. I think I’m really most annoyed at myself for not anticipating how annoyed I would feel about being made to compromise something important. As a family we’ve done the right thing over and over for my brother and it’s taken for granted that, once again, we have to put everything aside and step up again. I think that’s the dynamic that I’d like to change – that although their world revolves around him, I need to find a way to extract myself from that. What I found interesting reading many of the responses to family relationship issues is that it’s ok to pull back from your extended family when it’s not making you happy and that’s ok.

    September 4, 2018 at 4:42 am #224245
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Annie12:

    You are welcome. I understand you not wanting to be “pulled into” anything or to be “made to compromise something important” and agree that you shouldn’t. I think you should not take your kids out of school and fly your “whole family in for an expensive three-days event”, and instead stay where you are and celebrate your birthday.

    It is your brother who chose to marry his first wife, to divorce her, to deplete his parents’ retirement money to divorce her, to marry another and in an expensive location. It is your parents’ choices to give him their retirement money, to abandon the plans for your birthday celebration, and so on.

    Now what do you choose? You don’t have to accommodate their choices. You don’t have to do what your parents do, to “put everything aside”, your planned birthday celebration, your kids being in school, your money being spent on airfare and a stay in an expensive location, all to accommodate your brother’s and parents’ choices.

    I hope you choose what is right for you and for your family of choice, partner, children.

    anita

    September 5, 2018 at 7:26 pm #224439
    Annie12
    Participant

    Your post made me so unbelievably happy – thank you! Such a huge relief to just be heard. You’ve helped me realize that I’m sick to the back teeth of supporting my brother  through his bad choices and you’ve helped me reframe the wedding situation. I think I have to go but it’s to support my husband and two kids who are part of the wedding party and looking forward to it. I want them to have a good time and so I’m going to make them happy and so when I think of it that way, I feel more at peace with myself.

     

    September 6, 2018 at 6:03 am #224481
    Anonymous
    Guest

    You are welcome, Annie12. Post again anytime and I will reply.

    anita

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