Dear Lily:

You are welcome.

Regarding “.. hit me because I was bad?” do you believe that you were a good child then and that you are now a good person, deserving a good life?

(You wrote in your recent post: “Now I feel like I have disappointed them (your parents)”- isn’t it a thing a bad daughter/child/person does, to disappoint her parents?)

Regarding the man you met last week, this is what I understand happened: he was respectful to you, didn’t force himself on you like that man long ago, in the dormitories. He “never did anything without me agreeing to it”. You liked him a lot but felt nervous and uncomfortable. He noticed you felt uncomfortable and asked you if you were feeling ashamed around him. You didn’t answer him with a yes or a no but instead “tried to explain that I have these issues and that I’m seeking therapy”, and so you let him lead, “went along with his rhythm”. His leadership and his rhythm led you to sex. A few days later your oral herpes was activated and you told him about it. Then had sex with him again without kissing. Later he told you that he was sick, then that he was feeling better. You asked him if you infected him (the herpes) and he answered that he is fine and that you “don’t have to worry”.

My answer to your question: “What if you are the toxic person?” is that you were not a toxic person with this man. Regarding your oral herpes, the first time you slept with him it wasn’t active at all, so no risk of infecting him. The second time, the herpes was active but you told him about it and no kissing was involved, so no risk of infecting and no responsibility on your part for (not) infecting him.

There is nothing else that you mentioned that would lead me to think that you were abusive, or toxic to him in any way.

When he asked you if you felt ashamed being with him, I wish you told him that you did feel uncomfortable, that you told him just how you felt, instead of telling him you are in therapy. I wish you didn’t let him lead you, as kind of a leader as he may have been, it is a bad idea to allow a man you just met to lead you to his bed while you are uncomfortable and worried.

Do you think that he will call you today as he said he would?

anita