Anita,

thank you so much for your response. That is exactly what I feel like. I remember growing up, I would feel an emptiness at my chest right for a few seconds. Never thought much of it until I met the boy when I was 15, as he would always talk about his depression and misery. I remember thinking “you know, actually i feel that too.” And I think more than anything he was the first person who I could relate to. The more I think about it, the more I realize that I have been through quite a bit. I was brought to this country at 4 years old, right after my grandmother (and one of my main caregivers) had passed away, and began to live with a father I thought was perfect only to realize he was an angry alcoholic. I would slam doors in his face and tell him I hated him from a very early age. My mom says he only drank once a month but I don’t remember him ever being sober. And I resented my mom a lot because she would get my hopes up when she’d promise we would leave him and three hours later, after I screamed and cried trying to rationalize with him in our “sessions”, I’d hear them laughing in their room. Like nothing ever happened. I know I still resent my mom because I am super mean to her, even though I’ve reconciled with my dad. I love both of them but I had told myself I didn’t want them to be in my life anymore. I don’t think that’s true. Now that I’ve been home for the summer and realized why I spend so much time alone and why I seek out validation from guys, I got two jobs, have been trying to get my license, and even made plans to help improve the house. But my life splits when I go back to college.

I don’t want to keep being resentful towards my parents. I don’t want to be stuck in a victim mentality. All I want is to just be calm and happy. To feel alive, even if real life isn’t fun all the time. I want to get a job when I’m at school and live a happy, simple life. I’m figuring out ways to do so and have begun sleeping earlier, waking up earlier, eating more often, and have even cut down on my possessions. But I get stuck on how to grow emotionally from here. Maybe I’m not ready for this yet? maybe i still need to let loose and forget all of these expectations? act like a college kid? I don’t know how much pushing is healthy. And now that this guy – who isn’t perfect of course (that’s a reminder to myself) – who is really nice, likes me, I don’t know what to do or say. I feel like I wanna put a “danger: in need of repair” sign. I don’t even want to hope that he’ll wait around. I don’t want him to think I don’t care, I just don’t know how to.