Dear noted:

The way I understand it, in your mind you thought that your mother and you were a team whose aim was to get rid of the alcoholic man in your lives, her husband/your father. Only she betrayed the team: “after I screamed and cried trying to rationalize with him in our ‘sessions'”, this is you doing the team work, being loyal to the team,  “I’d hear them laughing in their room. Like nothing ever happened”, this is your mother betraying the team.

As a result of your mother betraying the team, betraying you, that is, you are angry at her still:  “I still resent my mom because I am super mean to her”.

You wrote: “I don’t want to keep being resentful towards my parents… All I want is to just be calm and happy”.

My input: there is nothing more powerful in a little girl’s mind and heart than her mother. To be betrayed by one’s mother is an intense, deep and lasting emotional injury, such that can express itself in the symptoms you described: “like fatigue, tense muscles, and pressure behind my head all of the time”.

You wrote: “I have epiphanies from time to time where I feel like my soul is trying to contact me”- maybe it is the awareness that your mother betrayed you, that deep hurt, that is trying to reach you.

No one wants to be aware of such intense hurt and fear, the fear resulting in such betrayal. And yet, somehow, such awareness, achieved gradually, slowly is necessary for your mental health, for that calm you want.

anita