My vision of a happy life….

Well that would be being independent financially. (not struggling with money every payday for both of us-Ive been helping her a lot lately get caught up on her bills).  Being able to spend significant amounts of time alone with her.  Going away for weekends here and there, going out to dinner and a night out, spending time just the two of us at home.  Spontaneous trips or drives to the mountain or the coast.  Doing fun things with the kids without arguing with them or fighting.  Having my freedom to do things by myself or with my friends when i can.  Coming home, smiling, feeling happy.  Not feeling overwhelmed and like i’m in a never-ending circle of the same thing every day.  Like I’m grounded all the time.

We got into a pretty big fight last night.  We talked about a lot.  I did tell her that i need “us” time.  That i don’t know how long i can last if we don’t get it.  That hurt her pretty bad, but i had to be honest.  She wants all that too and feels horrible that she can’t give it to me, to us.

Honestly right now, i don’t know if  i will be able to do this long term.  I don’t know if i will be able to sit idle and not enjoy life like i used to.  I’m not trying to compare her to my old relationship.  However in my last one, she did not have young kids and was able to get away quite a bit.  We would spend on average 1 weekend away per month together.  spend probably 3 weekends every month either me staying there or her here.  Just the two of us.  We did lots of day trips together and with my kids.  It was great.  It felt like i was finally living life.  Being in my mid 40’s i never had that before.

Now I seriously feel like i’m imprisoned at my home.  I don’t do anything fun or exciting anymore.  I do understand part of blending a family with a single mother with no support of any kind means i have to make sacrifices.  But it is incredibly hard.  I miss what my life used to be sooooo much.  with me only getting my kids 50/50, i had so much more freedom and opportunity.  Now it feels like it’s been taken away.  I’m trying to learn this new life and make the best of it, but it is very difficult.

I hope that i can push through this and things do get better.  I do love her, but if i can’t get what i need them i’m afraid i will start to resent her.