Hi Anita

Thanks, people often say i’m a nice person, and I “accept” it, I take the compliment, but I realise I’ve never truly accepted it… perhaps during my more powerful moments etc, that long-lost time where I was happy, I did. But right now, I feel bad in comparison. My motivations are from some dark evil place…

I like the idea of being graded by parents. I feel thats exactly what happened, 4 years ago, and last week again. I was so happy, so mhch better after my trip, I told them hoping they’d finally realise I was an “adult” but alas, no. I’m here again, nervous, self doubting, needy.

At the same time, perhaps subconciously, every now and then a useful thought appears that isnt reflected on. Its like a mental note to change the functions of my mind rather than simply keep thinking and thinking. I have to identify thoughts and feelings etc. This is what has been lacking, a procedure to use.

I can keep saying oh I miss my boyfriend or oh I struggled to be relax today, but these are just facts, thinking about why wont change them. I have to change how I recognize emotions etc to control them. And to keep reminding myself of this process. It’s hard, my mind feels very slothful in changing over, even tho I felt so good when I was functioning a little more smoothly after the trip. I’m almost telling myself I don’t deserve that life, that power to feel in control of myself.