Hi Inky

I completely understand your reaction! I believe he didn’t break up with me, because he somehow felt things were going on. We ‘agreed’ before that we were serious and exclusive, but a drunk mistake (kissing someone) once wouldn’t be the end of the world. However I obviously crossed these boundaries so far and what I did was so wrong and he never would expect this.

When I think of why I cheated I believe it was more of a dopamine rush and a quick fix to overwhelming emotions that had been put down. I also guess I had always felt some kind of restriction in my relationship because I had this feeling of so many expectations. Not specifically stated by my boyfriend, but some way I felt these expectations on me of doing what is right, what is best for the relationship or what touch he would like instead of just grabbing him and kissing him how I felt. I don’t know if I’m highly sexual, I just think I let go of my control in a very wrong way that really upsets me and I don’t want to do ever again.

I guess in the experiences with the other guys, there were no expectations + was drunk and totally let loose. Because the one time I cheated while I was sober it felt wrong and didn’t satisfy me at all (neither did the other time sex wise, they just gave me a kick of dopamine). I have adhd and this never really bothered my in work or school, but I’m starting to realize I have to be aware in personal relationships and not suppress feelings then letting them over boil and blurt out when drinking. I’ve also decided I’m going to stop going out and drinking for a while, since I want to face my feelings and emotions when completely sober and focussed. Not distracted by partying or feeling hungover next day. It’s not that I’m such a heavy drinker or do it so much. It’s just that when these things happened it was almost always because I got completely wasted and didn’t keep a boundary for myself.

As far as your advice on the open relationship: I’m not even sure it was about the other people or even the sex. It didn’t bring me anything I didn’t have with my boyfriend and I never felt like he couldn’t give it to me. I just feel so guilty and bad that it’s cheating what I did. I feel like it could have been anything else, but this was a easy way that happens when you go out and you’re young. I want to find another way to find this excitement that I felt when doing these things that were so wrong and hidden and secret. I believe that’s what made it “attractive” to do, which is even worse and heartbreaking for my boyfriend and myself.