A couple of quick thoughts. Keep in mind, my assessment is likely to be quite blunt because of how I have been on the receiving side of this (been cheated on, but never cheated), but it will be all said with compassion and truth for what is best for you and him.

First of all, you need to seek some sort of care for your drinking. It seems like it is being used as the shield to sort of soften the blow of your infidelity, but when I saw you mention it so often, it seemed less so and more like just perhaps a problem. I am not judging, I too was an…..enthusiastic drinker? Yeah, let’s go with that. What I am really afraid of is someone doing something to you without your consent. It is what I fear most for my daughters. I am a realist and know that someday, they will likely be at a party with alcohol and I hope and pray that they keep their wits about them so they are safe, because I can’t spend 25 to life in prison for some house party. But in all seriousness, it sort of seems like alcohol played a large factor in this story except for one instance.

Second, you need to sit down and make a very important decision with him: can he forgive you? That doesn’t mean forget. And THAT doesn’t mean he gets to throw it in your face every time he gets angry. He has to be able to let it go, completely, or this relationship is over. If he sees you doing the things that led you to infidelity all the times before, then you should expect that he will voice that with you. Don’t take it as an attack or an allegation, just realize that he sees in you some of the things you did in the past that may or may not be signs of further infidelity, and address those with him.

Third, to put it as bluntly as possible, you really screwed up the whole reveal part. You were caught. It was time to come clean. The problem is now, in order to forgive you, he must know that he knows about all of it. HOWEVER, because you did what I call the “truth trickle” with my kids, he is ALWAYS going to wonder if you held the worst of it back. And that will damage the trust. And without trust, love cannot survive.

If I had to be 100% honest, I would say it is on you to let him go. The damage done to this relationship is likely fatal. But I don’t know either of you personally, and he could really be so in love with you that he can look past all of that. The first and second points are CRUCIAL right now. You likely need to address the drinking issue (I say likely because you could just be someone who likes to drink on the weekend, but you must now realize that it is negatively influencing your life which is a huge red flag), and HE really needs to decide if he can move past this. Because if he can’t, this is over.

No matter what happens, keep your chin up. We all make mistakes in life. Not a single one of us is without fault somewhere. Keep working on yourself and bettering yourself. And if you need anymore help, you know where we are.