Precisely but less based on his actions once I cut contact because saying as long as he is with someone else means I am still believing that there is some chance when it is said and done he might end up with me and I don’t. I have accepted that.  I haven’t had a lot of serious relationships before him. I dated someone for a year and we lived together bc we were roommates but it wasn’t a good fit and we were never going to end up together.

Im 32, when I met him I was 28 about to turn 29. We didn’t date for long but when I say we have been best friends I mean we are either on the phone or together and neither makes a decision without talking to the other person. My friends joke its a sexless marriage. When we ended things he dated someone else for a bit and I forced myself to go on dates but they just were not him.  Im not saying that there is 100% a chance that I would never date someone else but I don’t see it happening as loving someone this much in my opinion is rare. Im also bluntly honest to a fault so I cant lie to someone or omit information. I will always love this person and it isn’t fair to another person to build something where I will always wish they were someone else. I believe everyone deserves to be the one and only in a relationship. Its highly doubtful I could ever give that. I have an extremely strong memory especially emotional. So for other people loves fades but for me feelings always run high. I have had to work on myself extremely hard to get rid of the concept of blame and fault bc otherwise I will hold grudges.

I dont get along with my mother. My father and I are close as well as my sister and I. They live in tx. I live on the East Coast. Ive spent holidays alone or with friends I rarely go back to TX and its been fine.

I really wanted kids but I wanted them with him but that is beyond off the table. I don’t believe in freezing my eggs. If I had kids I wanted one biological one at least. I also would never have kids on my own. I want a nuclear family. I would never marry now that kids are not on the table. It would feel incomplete to me. I get it works for other people and am in full support of that but it isn’t what I want.

Currently I am trying to build a business but my career has been lackluster and my business is not yet formed. I am pretty sure I can do this and once I have there will be that in my life. I also have a cat and want to foster.

I want to find my way to acceptance of the impending loss. Im young so I will have to be living alone and with this situation for a long time. When Ive mentioned this to therapist they try and fix me they want me to “not lose hope” or force me to date and then I end up dropping therapy and never getting the advice I desperately want. Im sick of the lectures of how Im closed off. I have no desire to lie to myself. I just want to find a way to not be depressed long term by this and live my life without him and without trying to replace him