Dear GL

You’re correct in wondering whether my childhood ties into why I find unavailable men attractive. My father  left the family when I was 12 years old. This ties into my trust issues with men. The reason that I mention JJ is because I realised that I only could acknowledge feelings that were already existent for him once he became unavailable. We were friends for three years before I acknowledged my feelings, and looking back there had been signs all along. He is also the first man that I have been the most emotionally vulnerable with and that was a powerful experience for me.

I started dating after the JJ incident because I could see that I needed to get to know new men and try to experience love and sex in a way that wasn’t going to be hurtful for me and that dating would help me explore myself more in a way.  But it seems to me that I just end up self sabotaging all these dates anyway … this is why I also am questioning my sexuality. Because surely if I am excited by the men I date/ attracted why do I do this? And why does my excitement feel  nuanced, uncertain  and more mild? I was used to feeling intoxicating attraction with different men earlier on when I wasn’t dating. Why when men are further away can I feel the full extent to my attraction. Anxiety likely doesn’t help the process, but my anxiety makes me wander if there is more to the issue than trust issues and actually a larger question of my sexuality.

Regarding JJ and flirting behaviour- you are probably right, he might just be a person who flirts for fun. Actually he had a previous female friend of ours fall for him and they no longer speak so maybe he might learn from both experiences that flirting with your friends isn’t such a good idea.? I also should have learnt from that past experience, having seen another woman go through the same thing. At the time with our mutual friend however, he definitely knew she had feelings and attempted to thwart her efforts at establishing dates etc, so I really do not buy that he had no idea of my feelings. He is cleverer than that. Or maybe I am really good at concealing my feelings, who knows. I just am still a little bitter clearly and feel misled, rightly or wrongly.

I actually do think I’m on the field of demisexuality, looking back attraction to me has always come after some interaction and established bond. I think the reason why my anxiety has attached to the issue of sexuality is because of how fluid sexuality can be. There is no certainty. And the more I date the more I realise this fact which in a way freaks me out. The sexual shame is something Im working on with my counsellor, I am very aware of where it comes from and  working on challenging it.

I will check the book out that you suggested, thank you for the recommendation.

As well, thanks for the encouraging words, I think I have only started the journey of trying to find myself, maybe that’s why the anxiety is so strong. I was extremely co-dependent until very recently and struggle with  a sense of self due to my abusive/neglectful childhood. But you’re right I do have hope and I hope that it takes me to new levels of discovery, joy and challenges.

Kind regards