Dear Lily:

When he told you on the phone “that he  didn’t want  to continue hurting me, that it was all his fault”, I think he meant that he used you for his sexual pleasure knowing you wanted  love. It really was wrong of him and therefore his guilt is valid.

Yet you felt guilty about him feeling guilty, “It was never my intention to make him feel guilty”- but his guilt  is justified. He shouldn’t use women for his sexual pleasure when the women want to be loved.

You wrote that you saw signs that “he is not interested. But somehow we continued the exchange, out of politeness?”- no, not out of politeness on his part. He was not interested in you beyond his sexual pleasure. And he  didn’t need sexual  pleasure  with you that often.

“He also was the one who initiated sex all the time… confused me, made me believe he still was interested”- interested in having  sex with you, to be serviced that way, that is all.

“Did I abuse him?” No, he used  you for sexual services, free of charge.

“Now he feels guilty, maybe  he feels ashamed”- he should, so that  he  doesn’t use more women for sexual services, free of charge, while he knows the women want more.

“He is such a good person”- no, he isn’t. Not as bad as that  man in the  dormitories where you lived years ago though. In comparison maybe he  is good.  But then, the man in the dormitories is good in comparison to a … cruel World War Two Nazi, perhaps.

“I feel like I severely hurt him. I hope he  is o.k. That he takes care of himself and heals”- heals from an emotional attachment to you that he did not form? From a relationship that didn’t exist beyond a few casual sexual interactions and a couple walks in the park?

“I better don’t try to be in a relationship with someone ever again. I don’t  want to hurt people… I am too sick”- time for me to ask, assuming I didn’t ask before: when you were a child, you felt that you were hurting a parent or parents (or a sibling perhaps), very worried that he  or she is not okay, believing you did something terribly wrong that hurt that person. Will you tell me about it?

anita