Hi Anita

I know I am stuck overthinking. Constantly. And I hope you don’t find the following as too much overthinking. Let me know if you do. (You most likely will) As well you do not need to respond, because at this point I am aware that I am using this forum as a diary and that can get exhausting.

I think I have somehow imagined that getting with a guy, any guy needs to be fireworks/ crazy/ out of this world even in the beginning with little emotional connection. The reality is that sex and relationships are incredibly vulnerable, scary, fear inducing as well as pleasurable, joyful experiences. But all I see and feel at the moment is fear. I am a very fearful person and my first experience of strong attraction (17) was so powerful it frightened me. I was initially enjoying the moment with the guy, flirting etc. But then came fear and I put a stop to feeling.  Instead of exploring further I felt frozen, not knowing what to do, not knowing how to handle these feelings. It led me to push the guy away.

I have had moments of connection with a few guys,which leads me to know that I need to carry on experimenting with men. I didn’t realise it at the time as I have gone so long ignoring my feelings but on reflection I have had experiences whereby I know that attraction/ spark? has been present if somewhat dulled, do you understand what I mean?

In regards to women who are tom-boyish… I just feel like its a bit of a cop-out. I think my mind is attaching to exploring with women because its ‘safe’ I haven’t yet experienced real life attraction to women and so its a distraction from going down the more powerful route of relationships with men which includes being vulnerable. Vulnerability is excruciating for me and something I have fled for a long time but it is something I require in order to delve further into my sexuality. I need a supportive partner who is understanding of my anxiety.

I hope this isn’t triggering for you to read but Ill put in a warning for you- TW: mentions of physical abuse

As a child I was beaten harshly when I was caught kissing two children. I was so young- 5 years old. But I think this is where my freeze and flight response comes from in relation to my sexuality. From then on, I think I internalised guilt and never explored my sexuality as other children/ teens do. I still got crushes and the like, but after each crush, after attempting to act on these crushes, I felt overwhelming shame. As well, being originally from a culture that so heavily shames women for being sexual has not helped at all, and seeing my mother in my teens being shamed for attempting to find another partner, after my father left, doesn’t help at all.

Okay I think I need to do the following;

-Build inner confidence, start exercising more and work on hobbies etc. The more insecure I have felt the less confident in my sexuality and then hopefully it will all fit in place.

I hope I have the strength to accept myself no matter what my orientation. Prior it was my health that I was obsessed with and now orientation. Obsessed with certainty.