Hi Anita,

I have taken the last few days to really sit down with myself and process my feelings. To answer your question, my mother is extremely emotionally unavailable to others when certain emotions are activated in her. She has experienced significant trauma in her childhood, relationships afterward, and rather than deal with these traumas, she has built a wall around them in her mind and refuses to enter or discuss them. Therefore, whenever I “triggered” any of these emotions in her, or experienced these emotions myself, she simply was not able to help or console me through them, but she has never been able to do so for herself. I accept this about her now in adulthood, as there is no other choice. She will not ever change, and even if she did, it would not erase what was done to me in childhood. So, to fully answer your question, she would simply shut down. She would leave, or she would dismiss or ignore me. I suppose in many ways, I felt abandoned. Not unlike how I feel presently, with the ex of 2 years ago. In thinking about all of this, I believe I have figured out now why the pervasive thoughts of him continue, but I do not know how to stop them.

I believe these pervasive thoughts persist for a couple of reasons:

1.) Seperate from any past negative core beliefs about my childhood or myself, I simply got along very well with this person. Our personalities were quite similar, we enjoyed the same things, had the same sense of humour. He was communicative, enjoyed connecting this way. I believe we also respected one another on a personal level. I have not found someone that I connected to on this personal level since. I looked up to him, and he looked out for me. I was attracted to him physically, emotionally, and personality-wise. As much as I hate to admit it, I miss this person deeply despite everything that has happened since.

2.) I truly believe that my core wounds (the ones you have helped me identify through this and previous threads) were the main cause of the demise of this relationship. Even though he was fresh out of a divorce, in reading our past messages and reflecting on the toxicity of the relationship, 90% I would say of these disagreements were started by me, driven by my insecurities from childhood. For instance, I would often question his motives, be distrustful even though he had never at the time given me a reason not to trust him, and worst of all, I was afraid to let someone in and become attached to them for fear they might leave me. Even though I desperately wanted to be able to. My subconscious simply couldn’t allow me to believe that someone could truly love me, stay with me, want me. So I constnatly was looking for evidence to support this idea.

3.) My narrative of what happened in this relationship and what lead to the ultimate demise was for a very long time framed in a victim mentality. Specifically, “how could he betray, leave me, and replace me with someone (lesser than me) else like this, after I had stuck by him through so much (his divorce, inability to commit to me) and never gave up on him? How could he do this to me?” Rather than what I believe the true reality or narrative of the story was, which is that throughout our 1 year and 2-month “relationship”, he was often alluding to not being ready to commit to anyone so soon after his separation and divorce, I took this personally. I made it about me, and I made it about winning him, someone unavailable, like my mother. I was very pushy, I often used guilt to push him closer to me, I did not respect his boundaries. To be honest, I don’t think I used empathy for him at all, it is almost as though I didn’t see him as a separate individual with his own feelings and flaws, I only saw him as a goal, a means to an end. The “end” being the end to my suffering that started when I was a child. If I could get him to fully commit to me, my subconscious thought, then I could finally heal all the wounds from my past and I would finally be truly happy.

So, my question is this. I believe you have answered in many ways how I can begin to process and heal from my past wounds through exploration of past arguments and fractures with my mother from my childhood (which will help with points 2 and 3), but how can I move on, forgive myself and my mother (because I believe this is important in letting go, taking my power back) for causing myself to lose someone so special to me, someone I finally truly connected with on a personal level, someone that I do believe to this day would have made a good partner for me (point 1)?

I have been on countless first dates, been in 8 or so relationships in my life, and yet I have never connected with and been attracted to a person as much as the ex I started this thread about. I think most of the other relationships occurred because of this business about projecting my core wounds onto them and trying to “win” them like I have always tried in the past to “win” the affection of my mother, but this one was different. It was that also, but it was also the first time I truly loved the person as well, separate from any past traumas. I loved him, his personality, his outlook on life, his optimism and easy going nature, his lifestyle. He has since committed to the woman he dated during/immediately after me. Although I believe she is physically less attractive than me, she is also less “damaged” than me, did not push him as I did. I believe that had I worked through my past traumas before I met him, we would not be where we are now. Totally NC, and with me never being able to tell him my truth, explain what went wrong in our relationship and that my self sabotaging behaviour wasn’t me, who I am, but rather issues from the past I did not deal with.

I feel like no matter what, I will always be asking myself: what if? What if I had worked through my past issues with my mother, what if I had been present in that relationship and not projected my hurt onto it? Maybe the relationship would not have survived anyway, as he was so soon out of his first marriage, but unfortunately, I will never know because of how I behaved. I am sad that after so much time has passed, I am still reeling over this relationship, break up, and the aftermath that followed. He was my best friend, my confidant, my advisor in a lot of ways, and I am saddened that all of that was lost. Not to mention how he sees me now, a bother, a “psycho ex”.

My current partner, who I am much better able to work through my issues with, at the end of the day, lacks point 1. We do not have chemistry, our time together is often butting heads in some way. We are not so similar personality-wise, he is not calm and optimistic like my ex was, in fact, they have totally opposing demeanours. Where my ex was easy going, fun and independent, my current partner is rigid, serious, and a somewhat dependent on his parents, unable to fully grow up in a lot of ways. But also, where my ex was reckless, using drugs and alcohol, and poor at financial management, my current partner is responsible, doesn’t use drugs or alcohol, and very good at financial management and planning. I would say in most objective measures, my current partner is a better partner, more suitable for a longterm relationship. However, I cannot fake that I enjoy time with him nearly as much as I did with my ex. We simply do not “vibe” as well, and as he has noted during the periods of time he has wanted to break up, we do not seem to “get each other” very well. That being said, there is an underlying love, and fondness for each other that doesn’t seem to fade. We have accumulated many memories together, travelled together, spent time with each other’s families. I would also hate to lose this person.

So, as I approach 30, I am totally lost. Do I abandon all hope in this current relationship, cross the ocean and move to my partner 5,000 miles away to see if we can overcome our obstacles, or do I break it off, take some time for myself, and start again with someone new (hopefully with a similar connection as my ex) after 30? Both options seem equally flawed and equally frightening to me, all while feeling like I am already out of time. What would you do if you were me?