Hi Anita,

I agree with where you are going with this, that the majority of my preoccupation with the ex of two years ago and my attraction to him was primarily due to the reactivation of old core wounds, but isn’t it possible there was something else too?

By this, I’m referring to point 1 of my last post, that I was attracted to this person for more than just the reactivation of core wounds. Ex. physically attractive (I usually have a hard time finding men attractive), ability to communicate about emotions, positive outlook on life,  easy going, good-natured, fun, adventurous, intelligent, witty, stable job, interesting/fun friends. Do you think that these qualities are irrelevant to my problems moving on? The reason I ask is that when I envision my “perfect” or happy relationship, I often imagine it with someone like him, with these qualities. Isn’t that above and beyond my core wounds?

To answer your two questions, she has apologized for what I believe occurred when I have communicated to her that I believe in some ways she wronged me, and offered explanations for why it may have felt that way for me. For instance, I have 3 siblings, all of us born within 5 years from oldest to youngest and she was very busy parenting and working from home, my parents’ business was not initially successful and was very stressed over this, lack of support from external family members, etc. Unfortunately, even my father does not believe anything she did or didn’t do was that bad as a parent, as both of their childhoods were far more difficult than mine, with much more emotionally unavailable and somewhat abusive parents. I suppose everything is relative, and to my parents, I had a very charmed and privileged childhood (I would agree with this statement if looking solely at materials and financial opportunities).

In my work with clients, I believe they have a point. Although my parents (and particularly my mother) have made many mistakes in parenting, I have to give them credit that at ages 68 (my mother) and 63 (my father) with children ranging from 26 – 31, they have not stopped trying to be good parents. For example, anytime I am upset, I know I can call either of them and they will try to make me feel better. They may not be successful at it, but the effort is there. When it comes to my mother, I believe this is the absolute best she will ever have to offer. I don’t believe she will or is able to offer anything more than what you referred to as throwing some glitter over my wound. I have learned over the years that you cannot change someone else, so I suppose I must learn to accept this about her.