Hi Anita,

I started answering your questions about contacting him, but in doing so I realized how ridiculous an idea it really is. I suppose in my mind, I was grasping at the hope that if I just called him, confronted him with how I felt, and then hung up, I would somehow magically have a weight lifted from me and finally be able to move on with my life. But I think this is just a fantasy, and I think more likely a) he wouldn’t pick up, and b) it wouldn’t change anything as you said even if he did.

When I think about the past with him, I am most upset that I didn’t stand up for myself throughout the relationship, that I didn’t stick with it whenever I tried to leave due to his poor treatment of me.  This I have a hard time equating with the relationship with my mother, as with what happened with her, I was a child, helpless to stand up for myself or leave. This situation was different, I was a grown adult and more than capable of removing myself from such a toxic dynamic, but I didn’t. I suppose the true anger and frustration I feel is with myself, not even him.

My mother sent me a text today that said: “You are constantly on my mind–I feel so helpless to help. I love you so much. Right now your happiness is paramount in our life.” I simply said thank you and that I loved them as well. I don’t know what else to say in these moments, I feel starting an argument or attempting to address my concerns with her simply causes more problems for me, and does not ever provide me with any closure.

I see your points, Anita, about how it seems my brain is projecting past issues with my mother onto the previous ex. But at the same time, it doesn’t feel like that’s all that there is. For instance, I was physically attracted to this person, obviously, I was never physically attracted to my mother. I saw this person as a partner that would bring me happiness in the long term, if only he had committed to me. He asked me multiple times to let him take his time, to not “push” him into a relationship with me, but I did not listen. It seems like his current partner does, she and he have never posted a picture together in their 2 years of being together. I suppose she respected his privacy and need for time whereas I did not.