Dear laelithia:

“I was physically attracted to this person, obviously, I was never physically attracted to my mother”- your relationship with any man is not and cannot be identical to the one you had or have with your mother. The sexual factor in your relationship with a man did not exist in your relationship with your mother, for one. And still, nothing in a romantic relationship in an adult’s life is more powerful than a troubled, unresolved childhood relationship with a parent.

Feb 5, you wrote that you had a conversation with your mother on the phone the day before, that is Feb 4: “I did get angry, and she said she ‘doesn’t understand what else I want from her’ after she finally said ‘fine, I’m sorry I was such an horrible mother to you, I’m sorry for whatever I did that upset you so much!!!’ And then said she was having another chest pain episode… I feel guilty that she got so upset… but on the  other hand I am glad I stood up for myself”.

Seven days after that phone conversation, Feb 11, she sent you a text that said: “You are constantly on my mind- I feel so helpless to help. I love you so much. Right now your happiness is paramount in our life”.

My input: if your happiness was paramount in her life, she wouldn’t have said what she did Feb 4: “I’m sorry for whatever I did that upset you so much!!!”- she would have acknowledged that there was something she did that upset you, she would have listened to you when you told her about the nature of that something or some things that she did and if you didn’t tell her, she would have asked and listened to you.

If your happiness was a priority for her, she wouldn’t have turned that Feb 4 conversation from being about your hurts to being about her hurt, emotional and physical. She would have kept the conversation about you, not turning it to being about her.

Feb 11 she texted you: “I feel so helpless to help”- but she never was helpless to help you, she didn’t want to feel the discomfort and distress it would have taken to help you, didn’t want to listen to you, to examine what you told her, to look into herself.

I think your mother is dishonestly manipulative. I think she is a dishonest person, that her words cannot be trusted to be her truth. I think she wants you in her life her way, I think that her priority is her comfort, not your emotional well-being. She is and has been willing to sacrifice the latter for the former.

anita