Dear Linda:

Clearly he has been abusive to you. You wrote about his unreasonable, angry behavior: “It all seemed to come out of no where.. I’m just trying to figure out what’s going on in his head. I don’t think he’s even 100% aware of what’s going on with him”.

I believe that it all does come from somewhere- from those Formative Years of his childhood, and that he is far from being 100% aware of what is happening, not even close.

Seems like he experienced serious, repeating rejection and betrayal in his childhood. The memories of those rejections and betrayals, the events and his strong emotions during those events got imprinted in his brain via permanent neuropathways, connections between brain nerve cells.

Years or decades later, those rejection/betrayal neuropathways still exist and they often get activated in the present-

-he sees you on the phone, ex. 2,  and very quickly his pathways were activated. Next, under the influence of the emotions recorded in these pathways, he interprets your attention to your phone as your rejection of him. He feels and believes that you just rejected him and no amount of explanation or solid evidence can convince him otherwise.

-you receive a phone call, ex. 4. His pathways get activated, he feels and believes that you betrayed him and talked to another man. No amount of evidence that you talked to your sister will convince him otherwise.

Next he punishes you for what he feels and believes that you did- this is the abusive part.

Unfortunately, there is no way for you to help him. You can only help yourself by ending the relationship. I wish someone suggested quality psychotherapy for him. I don’t think he will take it well if you suggest that.

What do you think?

anita