Dear Nichole:

It seems like there are two current popular diagnoses online, NPD (Narcissist Personality Disorder) for men and BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) for women. Often women retroactively diagnose their ex boyfriends as narcissists. Men and women diagnose their female family members and partners as Borderlines.

Some of these non-professional diagnoses are correct, but not necessarily so. The purpose of women diagnosing their ex boyfriends and husbands as narcissists is that it labels the ex as BAD and the woman as the innocent victim of the big-bad-wolf. It feels good at times to do so.

Looking at your posts in August last year, you wrote: “I was verbally abusive and an emotional wreck during our time together.. I put so much pressure on him and he says he tried so hard but couldn’t handle it… In the 3 years living with him I was verbally abusive when we argued which was often. I have now figured out that  I have severe PTSD from childhood abuse and I have fear of abandonment and I also have a terrible temper and unhealthy way of dealing with conflict”.

If you look at the criteria for the diagnosis of BPD in the DMS-4 you may qualify, at least you may fit a few of the criteria.

In your recent post you wrote: “I see now everything he did secured me to stay with him”- what I often see in ex girlfriends diagnosing their exes as Narcissist is suggesting the boyfriend had a plan all along, executed in cold heart, to break down the girlfriend, to harm her, and went about it step by step, over months and years, to achieve his evil aim. In reality, the great majority of abusers, men and women, do not abuse in cold heart, planning ahead, using clever strategies. They abuse in the heat of the moment, they feel distress and are in a hurry to pass it on, to inflict their distress on another.

“Every time we fought it turned out it was my fault. For years I was confused..”- the diagnosis made it all clear, and this is why it feels good, we are no longer confused (short term). But what if it turned out your fault because you carry a core belief from childhood that what goes wrong is your fault. Once you take a hold of the NPD, you don’t have to look into what you brought into the relationship from your childhood because supposedly, it is the man’s fault that you feel guilty.

“he would pick at me until I exploded. I now see that he purposefully wanted me to explode so that the initial crime he committed was forgotten, now we could focus on my anger..”- here is the cold hearted evil strategy/ plan. I doubt any person wants their partner, with whom they live with, to explode. People are afraid of aggression, they don’t purposefully invite it.

I  imagine you wouldn’t like my post so far, so better stop it here.

anita