Dear Charlie:

Regarding your ex’s girlfriend you wrote: “She never acknowledged me or spoke a word to me besides hi.. I never did either… she never introduced herself to me prior to meeting me. Not a message nothing… She doesn’t even try.. when I met her she did not only not conversate with me she ignored my son… She knowingly went into a relationship with a person while he was in a relationship and had a son… when I bring this up to my ex that I want to get to know her he gets defensive and rude..  He keeps delaying it or saying I am just trying to intimidate her…she doesn’t play or talk to him when she is around”.

Your attitude as expressed here on your thread is mature, you are focused on the right things: the well being on your young son and the need for all parties involved in his life to feel more comfortable, so to provide a better experience for your son and to be more comfortable yourself.

My guess, from your description, is that his girlfriend is not mature, that she is fearful. She may feel guilty, I don’t know. But clearly she is anxious, fearful of you attacking her and of a lot more that we don’t know about. She expresses these fears to him and he tries to protect her.. from one of her perceive to-be-attackers- you!

I don’t think that her view is something like: I might be this child’s step mother, I need to behave in ways that will benefit this child. I need to have a civil relationship with his mother because this child and his mother may be in my life for a long, long time. So let us all make it work!

I think that her view may be something like: oh, oh, this woman is angry with me, she is going to hurt me. It is not fair to me, I didn’t do anything wrong!

She may be thinking something like (and I hope not!): I don’t like that my boyfriend has a child. He is paying more attention to his kid than he does to me!

I hope these are not her views but these views are common, so I will not be surprised if these are her views and you need to prepare for this likely possibilities.

Let me know what you think at this point, and again, I will be glad to help you prepare.

anita