Dear Curiousgeorge:

Replying to every member like you did, naming a member then responding is just fine.

You shared that you were in an eight year relationship with a woman (I will refer to her as the first woman). She had an affair and the two of you separated, “a messy separation with lawyers as we had a house and assets together”. During the first six months following the separation you experienced a few mental breakdowns and suicide attempts and were hospitalized. During that time, you dated a second woman on and off.

In the last six months you’ve been feeling better, still dating the second woman on and off. “She often would lie and was very manipulative”. Recently you met a third woman, “someone truly amazing”. There was no title to this new relationship and a few weeks ago you spent a night with the second woman. The third woman then ended the beginning relationship, giving you the “complete silent treatment”.

You had a 10- year best friend who you felt betrayed you by spending a night with the second woman most recently. You stopped all contact with the second woman and the former best friend and resigned from your job so to move away from them and “have a fresh start”.

I hope you do have the fresh start that you are looking for. To make it a fresh start, I figure it will be helpful for you to understand the different sides of people, something you referred to here, regarding the first woman who had an affair: “Despite how it ended, she was a good person and I wanted a friendship a few months down the track. She didn’t, and I saw a different side to her that hurt me a lot”, and regarding the second woman who lied and manipulated you: “underneath all that was a good person… She just had two very different sides to her”.

People often get confused by the different sides of people. How do you figure if a person is good for you or harmful to you when you see one side only, and then another side. How do you put the sides together so to evaluate the person correctly?

If you want to explore this topic, you can describe to me the first woman’s two sides, and the second woman’s two sides and we will take it from there.

anita