Update: I’ve back tracked. I don’t know why I did it but I messaged the toxic one and asked if she had seen or spoke to my best friend since. She said both. I said I thought after them saying sorry and realising it hurt me that I was surprised, and she said what did I expect when I had blocked them both and didn’t want them in my life. I guess I just assumed that they would try repair the damage after saying sorry and not continue it. Either way I know I need to let it go and I font know why I let it consume me again.

THEN, I sent a message to the special one, a long message along the lines of saying I know I have hurt you and I know it’s a long shot, but would she consider giving us a go. Apologised for the hurt I caused and that we have the potential to be something special. It’s like I’m setting myself up to fail because she has told me before it was over each attempt. She hasn’t read it yet due to the time difference as she’s now back home in another country

THEN, I ordered 6 roses to her house and it said:

You’re all kinds of beautiful, from the inside out, that I’ve never seen before. “Into my life, larger than life, beautiful, you strolled in” C.A. Duffy

It’s like as soon as things go bad I shift my attention somewhere else. I know my feelings are genuine with her, but I seem to invest more time and fight for something as soon as I have time to think. I think maybe a combination of both the situations have got me down and I’m constantly focusing on one of the two.

I want to respect her wishes, and clearly I’m not doing that by sending flowers or a long message.