Dear robert:

You are welcome. You wrote: “Regarding the kids, I believe my wife has been a good mother to them and brought them up well. I do not want to take sole custody and remove them from her… any abuse, physical or verbal, was directed only ever at me, never at anyone else”-

– this means that three years ago, when “her abuse became so frequent and violent” your two children, the younger one being six at the time, were not present in the home and did not hear or see the abuse. It means that when “the physical abuse and shouting started again”-  the two children did not hear any of the shouting. It means that her “spiral into depression” did not include her neglecting the children and that they never heard her when she “threatened suicide, threatened abandonment and self harm”.

“Following one evening of arguments and shouting, she smashed a glass bottle and threatened to cut herself”- again, your two children did not hear or see the shouting, the smashing of glass and her threats.

“so I called an ambulance”- the children didn’t hear the ambulance siren approaching, didn’t see their mother taken away.

“despite her being (and continuing to be) physically abusive.. spitting in the face, to  slapping, punching, to pushing e over”- none of that was heard or witnessed any of these things.

– it is impossible. She is not a good mother. Even if all the abuse against you occurred strictly when they were in school, the harm and hurt must  have been tangible to the kids when they were home. No  way they didn’t notice the effects of the abuse or their mother’s depression.. or yours, the tension in the home.

A woman who  practices such poor self control is unlikely to  practice excellent self control when the kids are home.

I understand that you are focused on finances, wanting her to work, that you are upset that she  is having an affair while not working, while you are supporting her and I understand that the idea of you as a divorced man, having sole custody is overwhelming.

It is convenient for a distressed and overwhelmed father to think that his abusive wife is a good mother.  But it cannot be true.  No  way she  is a good mother.

In your struggles, see the reality of the situation as it is. It is necessary to do so for the purpose of proceeding wisely, and doing what  is most effective.

What do you think?

anita