Dear Jim:

You shared that your grandmother told you the story of you riding your bike as a child, without the training wheels: “Each time I fell off, I  would pick the bike up over my head and slam it in the ground, then make my next attempt to ride the bike, and repeat the process”- this is not a calm child falling from his bike, getting up, picking up the  bike and getting back on it, persistent but calm. This is an angry persistent boy. The anger is visible in the picking up the bike over your head and slamming it in the ground.

Why was the boy Jim angry?

“I know why my family gets frustrated, they are not used to seeing me upset and eventually feel like its out of their control, and they wish they could help, but can’t”-

– your grandmother was used to seeing you upset. I figure your parents did too, they saw you upset many times but  they didn’t help you. Instead, they criticized you, pointing to your flaws. At 33, they still don’t help you and they still criticize you: “I sure don’t get any constructive feedback from the ones that surround me… the feedback I have gotten from the ones close to me that have told me in anger to ‘stop being depressed’ or ‘are you pouting again today'”.

The reason you “haven’t taken a problem to them since the previous relationship ended in winter 2017”, I figure, is that you are used to not getting any help from them. Instead, you are used to getting criticized by  them.

“I’ve just kept everything to myself because of the type of person I am… I don’t wear my emotions on my sleeve and bottle them up”- the type of person any child is, is the type that is open and shares everything. The child stops sharing when receiving criticism instead of empathy and help. The child turns from  open to closed, from wearing his emotions on his sleeve- to bottling them up.

Regarding the women you dated: “my problem is, I focus on flaws… I tend to think I am settling in most cases, but need to realize that I’m just as flawed as the next person, they are just more forgiving than I am…  I wish I were able to live more in the moment and not so much in my own head.. sabotaging my love life to this point…not wanting to settle for ‘just a warm body’.. Maybe my expectations are unrealistic? That’s what most people tell me”.

– I think that what has been happening is that you focus on the women’s flaws because your parents focused on your flaws. Sometimes you focus on your own flaws, but you ..sort of prefer to focus on the flaws of the women you date, feeling too-good for the flawed women you are with,  thinking there is a less flawed woman for you out there.

You broke up with the recent woman and dated a few others. Better ones, you were  hoping, less flawed, but then you missed her openness and the relative comfort you felt with her (“The conversation and meeting went very smooth and it flowed..  This girl was very easy to get along with.. she was open… It was comfortable and easy going”). I think that this woman didn’t at all criticize you and listed her flaws, not yours. This is a good part of the comfort you felt with her, that she didn’t criticize you.

“I have not shown my family as much affection as I once did as a kid and I feel the same toward my partners as an adult”, “I feel like I show my love through my loyalty and being devoted ..  but I could do much better at expressing this”-

– you stopped showing affection for your parents because they criticized you and didn’t help you when you needed help. That naturally angered you. Fast forward, you are still angry, you focus on the women’s faults and like you said, you sabotage your relationships.

This recent woman, may have been a bad choice for you. I think what you liked about her is that she didn’t criticize you and that felt comfortable. I believe that a good idea for you is to attend quality psychotherapy so to become more aware of your childhood experience with parental criticism and rejection. Process the hurt and anger from that time, hurt and anger that is in your way now,  in the context of romantic relationships.

anita