Dear White Desann,

Thank you for sharing with us some of your relationship history (and it’s not boring to me at all).  It is helpful to get a sense of your experiences and what you might be looking for.  I’m so sorry, though, to hear of the painful end to your first relationship.  You should be proud of yourself for the strength and resilience you demonstrated in overcoming the loss.  Not all people manage to get to that point, as you did.

I want to echo some of the beautiful words of Valora above, especially:  “You’ve been shown that “myself is not enough” so far because the ones you’ve dated haven’t been the right matches. If you aren’t the right match for them, they also aren’t the right match for you. ”  I think you’re way too hard on yourself for the way things ended in your first relationship.  It reads like you went into that with pure intentions and had to suffer an unexpected and traumatic turn of events.  Often, sadly life is just like that – through no major fault of our own.  You aren’t clairvoyant, but us humans have a terrible habit of berating ourselves with the benefit of hindsight for not “seeing” problems or being able to somewhat anticipate or change a traumatic event.  There may be more to the story but from everything you’ve described it was a pretty unforeseen outcome, and you can’t hold yourself accountable for that.  No one is perfect and we all make mistakes (it’s how we learn!).  But even though you aren’t perfect, you will be perfect for the woman that is your match, and vice versa.  The right woman for you would only see your flaws as minor frustrations or temporary setbacks – simply things for you both to work through as your love deepens.

I think what you’ve said about the assumptions we often leap to in online dating is a perfect example of why it often sets us up for failure.  It may be a better use of your time to find ways just to get out and meet people without any attachment to outcome, and while doing some kind of activity you like.  You’ll likely meet some really lovely woman when you least expect to, when it’s the furthest possible thing from your mind.

And don’t beat yourself up for feeling lonely or desiring a perfect someone to fill the void.  We all feel that when we’re single and it’s perfectly normal and part of being human.  I have been single mostly for about a year now, and have had moments of loneliness, so I totally get what you’re feeling.  We would all love that special someone to come home to, to share our day with, to go on adventures with, to have deep and meaningful chats with, etc.   It’s especially torturous when you’ve had and experienced that (which it sounds like you have), because the happiness of being with a special someone is so magical and so delicious.  So life sometimes feels strange and unsatisfying in the absence of that once we have but tasted it.

You don’t need to feel like you derive your sense of worth from anyone else.  You could use this time of being single productively, to get to a point where you can derive your sense of worth and purpose from yourself and yourself alone.  I truly feel that is the way forward for you.

What do you feel you are most looking for from a partner?  What kind of traits and qualities are you most attracted to?  It may really help you to visualise those – while you get on with the business of making your life as happy as it can be while you are on your own for now.  That way you will more readily recognise it when it comes along.

You’re a beautiful human, and you should never feel like you’re not good enough.  You are good enough.  Don’t give up hoping for a better tomorrow.