Dear SallyDaisy

I have spent a lifetime running away… I was always screaming out that the people who love you shouldn’t be the people who hurt you…. but I have come to realize that the people who are supposed to love you (Mother) know how to hurt you the best. I felt like all my nerves were exposed and people just kept stepping on them…. intentionally….I have always used distance to try and keep the pain away.. I have recreated myself 4 times (2 divorces, 4 houses in different areas of the country).. and guess what, no matter how far I run, no matter how I try to recreate myself as a new person, I bring the same baggage with me… I bring me with me…. It always feels like I am the toxic one and since I have failed repeatedly it must be me…. right?

But no… as much as it seems to be the case… I believe it is my reactions to others that cause me to feel this way.. It is not them, it is me… I found someone who now calls out my BS .. when I cover myself in my victim person, she calls it out and points out where my thinking is not accurate…. This has been a big reveal to me.. it helps keep me from losing hope…

As for my Mother, her opinions no longer count for much…. She wants me to be dependent upon her… in her thoughts , she is always right…. I used to say she was an evil genius but now I see where that was giving her to much credit… She is just an unhappy person and wants me to be unhappy along with her… again, who knows you better?… who knows how to manipulate / abuse you better than your own Mother…. sometimes its very subtle … sometimes it is very obvious…. but that desire to have her love continues to drive us back to the one person who knows how to hurt us the most…. This impacts all of your relationships… My reactions to other folks is really based on my historical reactions to my Mother … I judge others through her eyes… I really despise this yet I find myself repeating the same crazy cycles over and over again… therapy helps with Awareness … awareness and mindfulness … seem to be the biggest help for me…

I hope you work it out for yourself… I have been self hating for 59 years tomorrow… as far back as I can remember … and some of that has stemmed from physical abuse as a child … but a lot of it comes from the mental abuse from my Mother…

Again, I wish you the best and sorry for your emotional pains,…

Mark