Hi Anita,

Thank you for your reply. What you’ve said is very helpful and I think very accurate. I think it’s true that I have a tendency to suffer anxieties that are irrelevant to what’s actually making me anxious, as well as having a tendency to criticise myself at every opportunity, telling myself that something about me is wrong, that I’m false and that I’m lying to everyone. That’s the root of my anxious feelings in relation to my recent uncertainty about my sexual orientation – this heavily critical, panic-inducing voice that tells me that I’m false and that my relationships are false, and that I’m living a lie.

Psychotherapy has helped me to deduce these patterns, and I’m now able to pose the question to myself: what am I actually so afraid of/anxious about, and why am I so quick to criticise and doubt myself. Particularly during moments of respite, when I can see clearly how fortunate I am, and how there’s so much in my life that makes me so happy and is so inexpressibly beautiful – my friends, my community, my profession (I’m a musician), my family, and all the wonderful things that earthly existence provides all of us.

I feel like I’ll be able to work on this in therapy, but I don’t feel close to an answer right now. I know what’s happening with my ex is playing a role, but it’s quite difficult to connect the dots in a way that is satisfactory. I’ve got lots of vague ideas, but clarity and relief seem far away. I’m still going through this cycle of feeling okay – doubting myself (sexuality) via intrusive thoughts – eventually getting myself back together – feeling okay – and so on… although I’m suffering it to a less intense degree at this time that I have over the last few weeks.

I hope that I can start to get a bit of a foothold next week in therapy, I spoke with my therapist near the end of our session last week about wanting to discuss my childhood in a way that might shed some light on my current situation, which felt quite hopeful at the time.

Thank you  for taking the time to respond to me, as it seems you do for a lot of people which I think is very admirable.