Home→Forums→Relationships→Probable break-up, from toxic relationship where I've been the toxic one
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April 4, 2020 at 10:58 am #346988
PeeeeetParticipantHi there, hope everyones keeping safe and well during these worrying times. I’m currently going through some relationship turmoil and found this forum really helpful. Please may I have some guidance on how to cope and if it may actually be for the best, to part ways. In spite of all thats going on with the pandemic.
I’ve been with my partner for 7 years and whilst it’s been mostly amazing, full of love, laughter, adventure and genuine happiness, we’ve also been in a toxic loop for a while. I’ve struggled with depression, anxiety and self-destruction for as long as I can remember (I’m 36yo) and also have mild hyperthyroidism, which affects my mood and increases my irritability at times. These struggles have massively affected my relationships and regrettably taints how I view and treat my partner.
I’ve recognised that my issues have contributed greatly to the toxic dynamic between us, repeatedly over the years. But find the same hurtful mistakes occurring, despite trying and wanting to change. I’ve tried to address my behaviour alongside my depression/anxiety/self-hate with therapy over the last 2 years but am not sure it’s working this time. I’ve wanted to try couples counselling to work through the aspects of our relationship and dynamic which bring us tension, which he was supportive of this, but we never made it happen.
Over the years, so many trivial things have become such triggers of aggravation for me that I’ve found myself immersed in cognitive distortions, keeping scores on past grievances and snapping back, without realising until way too late. Conflicts would erupt and a lot of love, respect and trust was eroded.
Our most recent conflict brings us to a crossroad that’s been close, too many times to count, but feels more like the end of the road this time. 2 nights ago, as my partner came to bed, he found me crying. For context, we’d had some confrontations already this past week and I was dealing poorly with some residual anger and depression. He got angry, stormed out and has refused to talk since. He’s now working/staying in our bedroom, whilst I’m in the living room.
I sent him an email, to apologise and explain how much I really wanted us to talk and work out. I admitted to being toxic, and struggling to manage my emotions and this messed up way of thinking. I shared a link about mental load and explained that it sometimes feels like that for me. I know I overreact to things and really want to work through it with a counsellor together. I just wanted to communicate and everything really backfired.
He responded that there was nothing for us to talk about if that’s what I thought about us (responding to the link) and there was nothing to move forward. And in no other words, he “was hoping this could be done soon, so we can part ways and f**k off. Leave me alone.”
Most of our bad arguments have been filled with hurt, frustration, anger and resentment. This kind of exchange has happened with us before, many times but we’ve usually cooled down after a couple of days, apologised and reconnected. But I don’t think I’ve ever really acknowledged how toxic I have been before.
I want to talk to him so badly, to explain I don’t see it that way all the time, but at times it feels like that and I blow up unreasonably. I want to work on my reaction and my patience, my messed up distorted thinking. I wish he could understand how sorry I am for being so horrible towards him.
And now I don’t know if I will get another chance. And if we did reconnect somehow after this, would it actually be right to stay in this relationship, when I cause so much damage to someone I love so dearly?
April 4, 2020 at 12:08 pm #347090
AnonymousGuestDear Peeeeet:
It seems to me, based on what you shared, that it is “actually be for the best, to part ways”. Even a “mostly amazing, full of love, laughter, adventure and genuine happiness” cannot make up for so much “toxic dynamic.. repeatedly over the years.. so many trivial things have become such triggers of aggravation.. immersed in cognitive distortions, keeping scores on past grievances and snapping back.. too many times to count.. hurt, frustration, anger and resentment”-
– too much suffering in the context of this relationship, for too long, and as you stated: “respect and trust was eroded”. And if indeed, it is true that it is you who did “cause so much damage to someone I love so dearly”- and therapy didn’t work for you, better save him from more damage, and give him the opportunity to heal by ending this relationship.
I’d say, it’s the right time to no longer waste your energy of an energy-draining, lose-lose relationship, and instead, use all your energy, individually and separately, to survive this pandemic and be healthier people at the end of this global crisis.
anita
April 4, 2020 at 4:51 pm #347140PeeeeetParticipantHi Anita,
Thank you for your response. I was afraid to hear that and am heartbroken I’ve destroyed something that was so special. I feel so ashamed of how much I hurt him as well as myself, and how I’ve been unable to change my toxic behaviour after all this time. But it’s reassuring you think it is for the best that we end things too, thank you.
We’re both extremely drained from it all and you’re absolutely right our energies would be better spent “individually and separately, to survive this pandemic and be healthier people at the end of this global crisis”. I agree that the time for us to end things is probably right, but the timing really does suck!
Would you have any advice on how I may navigate breaking up, whilst we’re still living together, under lockdown? We’re in a 1-bed flat, both working from home now and only need to pass each other for the kitchen or if someone needs something from the bedroom or living room. These past few days have been horrible, and I dread the thought of staying like this for the next few weeks, even months, whilst we break up. And finding a new place to live at the moment, I think would be difficult/impossible. So staying put, but separated is pretty much the only option right now I think. Do you think we can manage a clean break up, in these conditions? How do I ensure I minimise the pain for both of us, as we end our relationship during this global crisis?
I lived with my ex for about 5 months after we broke up (after 6 years together) and that was all sorts of bad. Its not something I ever dreamt of repeating! And this time, there’s no escaping each other, no being with friends, or being outdoors/away to help with the separation and change. I feel quite sick at the thought of this 🙁
April 4, 2020 at 5:50 pm #347148AnonymousGuestDear Peeeeet:
You are welcome. If living separately is not an option, then postpone the breakup until living separately is an option. For now, sit with him and set one goal for the two of you. This one goal is not to work on the relationship, to heal the relationship, to love each other, none of that. Your goal is just this one: to survive the lockdown together.
Then come up with Rules for Surviving a Lockdown Together (RSLT, I just came up with it..).
First rule: Respect Always, which means no arguments, no fights, no raising voices, no calling names, no aggression of any kind; respectful talk and behavior at all times (no matter how any one of you feels, no matter how angry, no matter how distressed, no matter what!)
Second rule: Quiet assertion, which means no aggression, no passive-aggression, no walking on egg shells; instead, each states what he/ she needs in a quiet voice; if there is a conflict, the exchange is done in quiet voices (no passive aggressive tone or comments!) ,so to come to a reasonable resolution quickly.
These are two rules, but you and him better come up with the wording that suits you. You will need more than two rules, so to cover all circumstances of your living together, such as the use of the kitchen.. and one about sex, so that everything is clear between the two of you, and you are prepared for all possibilities, nothing left to winging it on a moment notice.
When the two of you set a rule, practice the rule, and find out that it doesn’t work well for you, then adjust the rule, change it or cancel it. And come up with a new rule if needed.
If you want my input on your RSLT, or on any other topic, let me know. Post whenever you want, and I’ll be glad to reply to you throughout this lockdown.
anita
April 5, 2020 at 2:57 am #347210PeeeeetParticipantThank you so so much Anita. RTSL sounds perfect. Wish we had been able to define some RTSL before things got so bad. I could feel it coming on, and was stuck in a negative loop for a few days leading up to this bust-up. Its surreal to think how adamant I was about being justified in how I felt and now, I can see clearly how wrong I was and how I have been so wrong, this whole time.
I like the two rules you’ve suggested. I think they actually sound like great rules to live by in general, wish I had discovered this forum earlier and had this chat with you before things escalated to what they are now. I’m not sure I’m in any position to ask anything of him currently, as I’ve been the one that was so disrespectful and angry and set all this conflict into motion. Its like he’s holding up a mirror to me now. I’ve tried to apologise but he won’t engage (headphones in, won’t look at me, or just leaves the room/slams door if I try to speak to him). I don’t think he can forgive me this time and seems like he’s shut the door on me completely now, rather than just putting up the wall.
He’s asked to be left alone, doesn’t want to hear my voice and doesn’t want to be around me, so we remain separated, one in each room of the flat. He’s asked for anything that needs his doing, to be written up on a list that he’s stuck up on the wall. So yesterday it was our household chores, something we usually tackle on the weekend, and deciding what days we’d swap spaces. Whilst its a practical idea, it feels really bitter, as a chore list was something we had intended to set up at the start of the year but didn’t. One of my many complaints was that our household responsibilities didn’t feel fairly split, and didn’t feel like they were within his consideration/line of sight, I felt a lot of resentment and thought that it often fell to me, to flag that something was needed to be done/fixed/replenished. I felt like I picked up the slack always and that it wasn’t fairly reciprocated, I often felt let down and frustrated. I’d voice my feelings on the matter frequently, believing it was in our interest to communicate my discontent and thought by doing so, I was being open and “we” would work through them (i.e. have him change). I just could not let things go and they’d fester and I’d erupt. I realise now that these bothers were completely irrelevant and I know I’ve been incredibly judgmental, ungrateful and short-sighted. I’ve been just as incapable of change, but for something so much more insidious than just being a little absent minded. He’s been his wonderful self, loving and so sweet to me and I’ve done nothing but criticise and warp small matters into things that felt like our relationship depended on it. I have days where I feel like I am nothing, and shouldn’t exist, and he’s always picked me back up, but its like I turn on him, and bite the hand that feeds, kind of thing. I hate myself so much.
Do you think I could perhaps tackle these RSLT with a perspective that I’m going to have to go it alone for the time being? As in, I don’t think he’ll react well to me asking for these RSLT, but I can maybe just practice anyways, by myself? Until his anger subsides, I think anything I say or try will just be scoffed at or perceived as antagonising. So I’m wary of trying to engage at all and want to proceed with caution. I know when the hurt isn’t so raw we may be able to talk but for now I’m cautious of any interaction. Feel like its safer to just keep to myself right now and mind myself. We managed to agree on swapping spaces every two days, so today I should be moving into the bedroom… but all I want is a big hug and to be cuddled up in his arms. Would it be wrong of me to ask him for this? Would it do more harm than good right now?
April 5, 2020 at 3:38 am #347214PeeeeetParticipantOops please excuse my slight dyslexia, I meant RSLT*
April 5, 2020 at 8:17 am #347230AnonymousGuestDear Peeeeet:
You are very welcome.
“It’s surreal to think how adamant I was about being justified in how I felt and now, I can see clearly how wrong I was”- you mentioned earlier cognitive distortions, the one indicated in this sentence is a cognitive distortion called emotional reasoning, meaning we feel something is true, therefore we believe it is true. When this is your inclination (it is mine, and everyone’s to an extent), it is very important to not act or react when emotional. Postpone action to a time when you are calm, no longer.. under the influence of emotion.
I agree that the two rules I suggested are “great rules to live by in general”. I was introduced to these rules (different wording) when I attended couple counseling almost ten years ago, it was part of the interpersonal skills portion of therapy. My therapy was a combination of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT), plus a heavy dose of Mindfulness.
Currently, he has “headphones in, won’t look at me, or just leaves the room/ slams door if I try to speak to him.. he’s shut the door on me completely now.. asked to be left alone.. asked for anything that needs his doing, to be written up on a list that he’s stuck up on the wall”- I see. Can’t sit down and discuss RSLT with his attitude and behavior. But you can show him that you respect and practice the Rules that he came up with: 1) Don’t talk to me/ don’t interact with me in any way, except for the following 2) If anything of the practical kind needs to be communicated regarding the household, write it up on a list on the wall.
Your job at this point is easier than what I suggested because he already came up with two rules, all you have to do is attentively and respectfully practice his rules. Over time of you doing that, he will probably relax and adjust his rules. He may come up with a third rule, such as: we will have a conversation each day for no longer than 10 minutes.
“I think anything I say or try will just be scoffed at or perceived as antagonizing”- I agree. His rules do not allow you to initiate anything that involves him.
“I know when the hurt isn’t so raw we may be able to talk but for now I’m cautious of any interaction”- for him to relax, accommodate his 2 rules completely, no exceptions, for as long as it takes. He won’t relax until he can trust you to accommodate his rules.
“all I want is a big hug and to be cuddled up in his arms. Would it be wrong of me to ask him for this?”- yes, it will be wrong, because he was “loving and so sweet to me and I’ve done nothing but criticize and warp small matters.. he’s always picked me back up, but it’s like I turn on him, and bite the hand that feeds”, so place his need to be left alone above your need to be hugged and cuddled.
“Would it do more harm than good right now?”- it will harm because if he gives in and hugs you, he will feel angry about having given in to you. What you want to do is not to add to his anger, but to create the circumstances where his anger will relax. The circumstances for him to relax is your complete accommodation of his current two rules for as long as it takes.
anita
April 5, 2020 at 11:51 am #347272PeeeeetParticipantHi Anita, hope you’re well! Thank you for your reply. I’ve tried and failed in so many instances “…to not act or react when emotional. Postpone action to a time when you are calm, no longer.. under the influence of emotion.” But don’t often remember how important it is, until it’s unfortunately too late. I’ve previously undergone CBT and also couples therapy towards the end of things with my ex, some 10 years ago now too I think. It worked well but I’m ashamed to say that I’ve forgotten so much of what I had learnt then. I slipped back into the spiral of negativity and toxicity, got complacent about being mindful and in control of my emotions, I feel blinded by them at times. My current therapist doesn’t practice CBT and for a while I thought it was was still a good outlet, but I’m feeling like she’s not right, although I’ve been with her for almost 2 years now (and she’s one of few that I’ve been able to afford). I would like to quit with this therapist and practice CBT and more mindfulness on my own but am a bit scared to quit as she’s been a good person to vent to. How have you maintained the practices you learnt a decade ago? And how do you manage things, if you do slip up?
It’s reassuring to hear you think my “job at this point is easier than what I suggested because he already came up with two rules, all you have to do is attentively and respectfully practice his rules“. I hope so. Although, after my last post (before your reply), later in our evening he did engage me, but was completely enraged. Something on the list wasn’t done on my end and he completely erupted at me over it, to demonstrate my typical overreaction in a similar scenario. He made no sense at times, as he was frothing mad, but I could make out was that he was disgusted with himself for being in love with someone who has brought out the worst in him, something he swore he’d never become. With real trauma and tragedy dotted throughout his life, he can’t believe he put so much time and love into someone who could treat him like this and for so long.
I wound up saying how sorry I was and how I know now, how profoundly wrong I have been to blame him and make him feel so small and broken. My mental illness was never his problem, but I made it out like he was a trigger. I should’ve been fighting that war with myself, not with him and I know how horrible I’ve been to drag him down with me as I failed to even identify my distorted emotional reasoning. He explained he just could not be around me for now and that he couldn’t trust himself to make any decisions. I, regrettably, then blurted out that perhaps I could help make the decision easier and said as much as I want us to be together, and for me to change, I was scared of failing again and hurting him any more and that maybe it was better for us to part ways. But I don’t really want to, not one bit, despite knowing its wrong to stay. I just really want to change how I am but am terrified of failing and falling back in habits and hurting him again and again.
He was pretty upset, said I was thinking of myself again. And he’s not wrong. I wanted an answer, I wanted to know so I could satisfy my own need to know what to prepare for, I didn’t wait for him to calm down and decide what he wanted or what he had the capacity for. In my haste, I said we should probably break up, knowing full well I can’t go anywhere and I’m regretting this badly, I shouldn’t have spoken impulsively and been more patient without speaking whilst highly emotional.
After storming off he eventually came back out and apologised for the coldness and hostility of the last few days and for his earlier outburst. He said we were adults and could live in this space together in peace. He didn’t want me to try and move out, as he couldn’t forgive himself if I were to get sick in the process, as in spite of everything he still cared and still loved me. He asked that I keep using the list as he was still in no state to be around or engaged with me. And whilst still separated and still avoiding each other, there’s been some civil dialogue. I want to tell him I don’t want to split up, but I know I shouldn’t approach or engage him when he’s asked for distance to heal.
He didn’t want to swap rooms in the end. I offered to share the living space but he declined, although he said he would pop out if he wanted a smoke, rather than smoking in the bedroom (which he despises but has been doing these past few days). He’s popped out twice but we didn’t interact. I still want to make up with him so badly, and feel so desperate, despite having a peaceful day sun baking in the living room/balcony by myself. But you’re right, “his rules do not allow me to initiate anything that involves him” and I must “place his need to be left alone above my need…” I need to respect his request and not add to this damage.
You’ve said for him to relax and trust me again, I must provide “complete accommodation of his current two rules for as long as it takes.” Would you have any advice for keeping myself in check and maintaining this? I feel like I’m bursting at the seams and am scared to pop. I don’t want to make him any angrier and want to respect his wishes but I’m devastated. I’m fighting the urge to curl up and bawl my eyes out which I fear would set him off, if he popped out and saw me in that state.
Apologies for such a long rambling post. I just feel like I’m falling apart. Writing this all out and reading your responses have been such big help to me in this really difficult time. Yu’ve been a beacon of hope and I feel some calm reading over what you’ve shared, thank you so much for your advice and taking the time to respond to me here.
April 5, 2020 at 12:30 pm #347746AnonymousGuestDear Peeeeet:
“he completely erupted at me.. frothing mad.. disgusted with himself for being in love with someone who brought out the worst in him.. After storming off he eventually came back out and apologized for the coldness and hostility and of the last few days and for his earlier outburst. He said we were adults and could live in this space together in peace.. He asked that I keep using the list as he was still in no state to be around or engage with me… there’s been some civil dialogue”-
– my advice from earlier still stands. Regarding how to control your behavior while you feel like you are “bursting at the seams and scared to pop”-
– is it allowed, where you live, to take a walk outside, while maintaining social distancing? If it is, take a walk a few times a day, get some fresh air, it will lower your stress level. A hot shower a few times a day may do it too. Also guided meditations: my therapist at the time assigned me a homework assignment to do between sessions. Part of each homework assignment was to listen to one of Mark Williams guided meditations, a series, theme: mindfulness. Try to download his series and listen to one meditation at a time, in the order recommended.
Bottom line is that the two of you have to find a way to live in peace, and if you don’t, one of you will have to leave and find a place to live elsewhere.
You brought up other things in your recent post. If you want me to address something I didn’t address in this post, let me know. But soon, I will be away from the computer for a few hours.
anita
April 5, 2020 at 1:11 pm #347764PeeeeetParticipantYes thankfully for now, it is still permitted to go outdoors for an hour of exercise a day. I’m not sure how anyone would know if I was out for more than an hour, or multiple times, but am trying to avoid being out too often all the same. I did pop out for a walk today though and spent some time by a nearby river. It was really lovely but I didn’t stay long as there were a lot of people about despite the social distancing. Will try and keep up with a daily walk about and get out, I definitely haven’t been getting out enough since we’ve been locked down. Probably a big contributor to me snapping and inflicting all this, now that I think of it. Thanks for the shower and meditation advice too. Look forward to relaxing more and being more mindful.
“Bottom line is that the two of you have to find a way to live in peace, and if you don’t, one of you will have to leave and find a place to live elsewhere.” Thank you for spelling it out, I’ll strive to keep the peace within and around me. I don’t want either of us to move out, especially now.
Regarding my previous post, I guess I’m wondering if I’ve messed up things more by blurting out that I’m not sure its good for us to stay together? Do you think there’s any hope for us to be happy together again, if I do somehow manage to change? I’m not sure I’ve ever truly realised how wrong I’ve been til now and wonder if it could be the kick up the boot I needed to spark real change? Or am I kidding myself and being selfish to hope we get back together?
April 5, 2020 at 1:49 pm #347768AnonymousGuestDear Peeeeet:
There aren’t enough police officers to check how long every individual is out, it is a matter of self-enforcement, or self policing, similar to self-isolating, we do it if we are socially responsible, and all of us should be socially responsible, not only during a pandemic, but at all times.
Regarding you messing things up by saying that you are not sure it’s good for you to stay together- if he was quiet and minding his own business, and you said that, it would be one thing, but he was acting crazy, “frothing mad”, and … crazy is catching, or using terminology of the time, crazy is contagious. So forgive yourself for catching his crazy this time.
I do think that there is hope for the two of you because he knows and acknowledged to you that his behavior has been out of his control, having had an outburst, so he knows that you are not the only one capable of losing your cool. He is likely therefore to forgive you as you forgive him.
Key is, do not repeat previous misbehaviors with him, rude, selfish, hostile behaviors, consistently, day after day, week after week- do not repeat- and he will learn to trust you. He is motivated to trust you. If you make it possible for him to trust you, he will.
anita
April 5, 2020 at 2:39 pm #347780PeeeeetParticipantAh yes it’s very much self enforced, you’re right. An hour for a stroll is decent and I think should be easy to stick to, especially as the weather is getting nicer and warmer here.
It’s comforting to hear “forgive yourself for catching his crazy this time” and “He is motivated to trust you.”, thank you.
“If you make it possible for him to trust you, he will.” That really resonated with me and seems so obvious, reading it now. I’ve been so oblivious to my destruction.
It gives me hope that you think there is hope for us. I will find the strength and focus to be mindful and patient, and to nurture trust and love, not destroy it.
Thank you so so much Anita, you’ve been absolutely brilliant to chat with. Your words have been so calming and really what I’ve needed to hear. Hope wherever you are, you are well and safe. Thank you xx
April 5, 2020 at 5:44 pm #347812AnonymousGuestDear Peeeeet:
Even though your recent post is short, I want to take my time reading it, and I will do so in about 14 hours. Take good care of yourself (and the man you are quarantined with)!
anita
April 6, 2020 at 3:48 am #347882PeeeeetParticipantThank you Anita, appreciate your message. Please take your time, theres no rush.
I’ve been re-reading our exchange every time i find myself crumbling and it’s been helping me remember whats important in the present moment. Trying to focus on being mindful, present and honest with myself whilst in isolation and whilst separated. Trying to remember that i have to be patient and focus on giving him the space to forgive and trust me again. And for him to decide if when he’s ready to engage/interact again.. whenever, if ever that may happen..
Thankfully its now Monday and with a full work schedule for the week ahead, I’m happily occupied for now 🙂 Am thinking to build myself a little practice schedule for after hours too to maintain some structure in this diffucult time. Anyways, thank you for your message and guidance. I hope you are well whereever you are and look forward to hearing your thoughts 🙂
April 6, 2020 at 6:25 am #347906AnonymousGuestDear Peeeeet:
You are very welcome and thank you for your kind words. It is good for me too, to chat with you. Glad you are able to take a walk per day, being out in a nicer weather. Do practice patience, lots of patience. When you feel overwhelmed, or crumbling as you put it, calm yourself down.
Better, calm yourself down before crumbling, as you notice your distress starting to go up. Take a moment break from working every once in a while and check: how is my breathing? If it is shallow, take a deeper, slower inhalation and exhale naturally, do it a few times/ get up from your sit and move around, wash the dishes or whatnot, before you go back to sitting. If distress is high, take a walk, a second walk outside, or a shower.
Regarding your boyfriend- he is distressed too, so every time you feel your own distress, and you want him to calm you down by hugging you and engaging with you in a certain way, think to yourself: he is distressed too, maybe even more than I am. Better I follow his rules and leave him alone. The longer I leave him alone, the faster he will want to engage with me. I can feel whatever I feel, and still behave in the way I want to behave. I am in control of my behavior. I can trust myself to stay in control of what I say and do.
And when your distress goes up again after saying the above (and it will), repeat the above again, or any part of it, like: I am in control of my behavior (you choose the wording).
And post any time you want; remember, I am here with you throughout this pandemic.
anita
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