Hi Anita, hope you’re well! Thank you for your reply. I’ve tried and failed in so many instances “…to not act or react when emotional. Postpone action to a time when you are calm, no longer.. under the influence of emotion.” But don’t often remember how important it is, until it’s unfortunately too late. I’ve previously undergone CBT and also couples therapy towards the end of things with my ex, some 10 years ago now too I think. It worked well but I’m ashamed to say that I’ve forgotten so much of what I had learnt then. I slipped back into the spiral of negativity and toxicity, got complacent about being mindful and in control of my emotions, I feel blinded by them at times. My current therapist doesn’t practice CBT and for a while I thought it was was still a good outlet, but I’m feeling like she’s not right, although I’ve been with her for almost 2 years now (and she’s one of few that I’ve been able to afford). I would like to quit with this therapist and practice CBT and more mindfulness on my own but am a bit scared to quit as she’s been a good person to vent to. How have you maintained the practices you learnt a decade ago? And how do you manage things, if you do slip up?

It’s reassuring to hear you think my “job at this point is easier than what I suggested because he already came up with two rules, all you have to do is attentively and respectfully practice his rules“. I hope so. Although, after my last post (before your reply), later in our evening he did engage me, but was completely enraged. Something on the list wasn’t done on my end and he completely erupted at me over it, to demonstrate my typical overreaction in a similar scenario. He made no sense at times, as he was frothing mad, but I could make out was that he was ​disgusted with himself for being in love with someone who has brought out the worst in him, something he swore he’d never become. With real trauma and tragedy dotted throughout his life, he can’t believe he put so much time and love into someone who could treat him like this and for so long.

I wound up saying how sorry I was and how I know now, how profoundly wrong I have been to blame him and make him feel so small and broken. My mental illness was never his problem, but I made it out like he was a trigger. I should’ve been fighting that war with myself, not with him and I know how horrible I’ve been to drag him down with me as I failed to even identify my distorted emotional reasoning. He explained he just could not be around me for now and that he couldn’t trust himself to make any decisions. I, regrettably, then blurted out that perhaps I could help make the decision easier and said as much as I want us to be together, and for me to change, I was scared of failing again and hurting him any more and that maybe it was better for us to part ways. But I don’t really want to, not one bit, despite knowing its wrong to stay. I just really want to change how I am but am terrified of failing and falling back in habits and hurting him again and again.

He was pretty upset, said I was thinking of myself again. And he’s not wrong. I wanted an answer, I wanted to know so I could satisfy my own need to know what to prepare for, I didn’t wait for him to calm down and decide what he wanted or what he had the capacity for. In my haste, I said we should probably break up, knowing full well I can’t go anywhere and I’m regretting this badly, I shouldn’t have spoken impulsively and been more patient without speaking whilst highly emotional.

After storming off he eventually came back out and apologised for the coldness and hostility of the last few days and for his earlier outburst. He said we were adults and could live in this space together in peace. He didn’t want me to try and move out, as he couldn’t forgive himself if I were to get sick in the process, as in spite of everything he still cared and still loved me. He asked that I keep using the list as he was still in no state to be around or engaged with me. And whilst still separated and still avoiding each other, there’s been some civil dialogue. I want to tell him I don’t want to split up, but I know I shouldn’t approach or engage him when he’s asked for distance to heal.

He didn’t want to swap rooms in the end. I offered to share the living space but he declined, although he said he would pop out if he wanted a smoke, rather than smoking in the bedroom (which he despises but has been doing these past few days). He’s popped out twice but we didn’t interact. I still want to make up with him so badly, and feel so desperate, despite having a peaceful day sun baking in the living room/balcony by myself. But you’re right, “his rules do not allow me to initiate anything that involves him” and I must “place his need to be left alone above my need…” I need to respect his request and not add to this damage.

You’ve said for him to relax and trust me again, I must provide “complete accommodation of his current two rules for as long as it takes.” Would you have any advice for keeping myself in check and maintaining this? I feel like I’m bursting at the seams and am scared to pop. I don’t want to make him any angrier and want to respect his wishes but I’m devastated. I’m fighting the urge to curl up and bawl my eyes out which I fear would set him off, if he popped out and saw me in that state.

Apologies for such a long rambling post. I just feel like I’m falling apart. Writing this all out and reading your responses have been such big help to me in this really difficult time. Yu’ve been a beacon of hope and I feel some calm reading over what you’ve shared, thank you so much for your advice and taking the time to respond to me here.